Customer: "Hi I'm trying to send an email with an attachment but it wont go"
Me: "What's the attachment?"
Customer: "Its a DVD"
I'm still waiting to be rescued :'(
Customer: "Hi you know that Dell D630 we bought off you in June?"
Me: "Not really that was like nearly three months ago but carry on"
Customer: "The battery is dead"
Me: "Oh OK let me get you a price on a replacement"
Customer: "No no, Steve said I can have 3 months warranty"
Me: "Erm its 30 days on refurbished stuff but even it he did say 3 months a battery is a consumable and not covered"
Customer: "But, but, but"
Me: "Sorry about that shall I get you a price then?"
Customer: "S'pose you better had"
Customer: "Hi I have a spreadsheet that I've scanned in and sent to ........ can they see the hidden cells?"
Me: "Erm? Can you see the hidden cells on the scanned documents?"
Customer: "No, I printed off the spreadsheets then scanned them in by hand"
Me: "So you cant see the hidden stuff on the printouts of the spreadsheets and after scanning in the print offs you still cant see the data you are trying to hide from them?"
Customer: "No I cant see the hidden stuff I was just wondering if they can un-hide it"
Me: "No I think you're safe"
Please rescue me :'(
Customer: "We bought a printer from you in May 2009 and its using ink every two weeks!"
Me: "Wow are you doing a lot of printing or is there ink all over the bottom of the machine or is the cartridge in fact not empty but the printer says it is?"
Customer: "No, none of those, we bought the cartridges from Viking supplies they replaced it when we said it only lasted two weeks"
Me: "Looking at the serial number I think you might have the wrong cartridge you can go back to viking and ask them to replace the cartridge again but I suspect they will want you to buy it"
Customer: "Is there nothing you can do seeing as we bought it from you?"
Me: "You bought it 15 months ago! Its just an inkjet printer, throw it in the bin and I'll sort you out a new one"
Customer: "I think I'll give Viking a ring"
And British business wonders why we cant compete against other countries?
Customer: "Hi Pete I need some advice, I bought one of those wifi access points but its WEP and all my machines are WPA"
Me: "Chuck it in the bin and buy another one from me which is what you should have done in the first place"
Customer: "Oh no, I can send it back to Amazon. What one should I get?"
Me: "Well I have a Zyxel at home works really well"
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Me: "Oh I see you're looking on the Internet for it? There's not much point me sorting this out then is there?"
Customer: "Well if I had any problems I thought you could help me."
Me: "Yes but seeing as you used my knowledge to get the right product and have no intension of buying it from me I wont be here much longer to help you we need to sell stuff to stay in business"
Customer: "I've just bought a DVDROM from you!"
Me: "Yes you have spent £12.00 with me but apparently I wont be selling you a WIFI repeater?"
This customer care lark is very over rated and can be detrimental to the health of your business. ;-)