Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Frankie and Benny's

So in the spirit of Christmas I agreed to go bargain shopping with the wife today this as most men know is a true demonstration of love for their partners being dragged to every possible outlet in the town then standing like a lemon by the changing rooms of 'Next' trying not to appear like an out and out pervert, why do they insist of sticking the underwear next to the changing rooms? If you're not looking at a rack of 38DD bras and the string of cotton width gusseted knickers then you have to contend with some young girl walking out to show her friend that really short skirt she is thinking of buying and looking at you as if your name should be on the sex offenders register!

Anyway having sated my wife's desire to buy everything in sight for the minute we headed to the latest edition to Walsall's eateries Frankie and Benny's Now one of my daughters had in fact been there a couple of weeks before and had said "The service is appalling" but my wife wanted to give it another chance.

At the entrance we was greeted by a nice young girl dressed in a sort of uniform who asked the usual stuff "How many?" and what menu we would like, although it was 11.30am we decided to have the Lunch menu the waitress showed us to our table and left us to look over the menu.

We waited and waited and waited! Finally a slightly older women came and took our order and we waited and waited and waited! I had no choice to grab (What I later found out to be the Manageress) the lady who took our order.

Me: "Excuse me any chance we could have our coffees only we have been waiting 20 minutes now?"
Manageress: "I'll get them now".

The coffees arrived and we waited and waited while watching people who had come in way after we had sit down, order, eat and in one case pay and leave! While we still waited for our Wraps and fries. I grabbed the manageress again.

Me: "Excuse me can you tell us where our food is? we have been waiting 45 minutes now!"
She tootled off and came back and said
Manageress: "Wraps take slightly longer to cook"
Me: "What? Its just chicken with sauce wrapped in bread how long will it be?"

Off she went again.
Manageress: "They're just cooking now"
Me: "What! So they have been cooking everyone else's and just left us have they?"
Manageress: "Well, but, no, but, er"
Me: "Two minutes ago you said they take longer to cook you've now said they are just cooking this makes me think they have only just started cooking them?"

You could tell by the look on her face I was right and she beat a hasty retreat. Five minutes passed and up turned our food the wraps was lovely "Ooh yum" but oh no the fries was stone cold! So guess what? Yep call the manageress again.

Me: "These chips are cold here feel em you might as well as I'm not eating them"
Manageress: "Oh yes they are, I don't understand I brought them straight here"
Me: "Do you hate us or something?"
Manageress: "No, no"
Me: "Well we are having the worst experience ever I'm afraid"
Manageress: "Let me get you some fresh fries"

Off she goes again of course by the time she gets back we have eaten our wraps as they was getting cold and so now had to eat a bowl of fries on their own.

Manageress: "I found out what happened the heated storage where they put the cooked chips was turned off"
Me: "So they have been serving cold fries all morning then?"
Manageress: "Um, oh, er, well, erm I suppose they have if it was switched off. Can I get you some more drinks?"
Me: "No thanks"

To be honest I couldn't spare the time to wait for drinks we had already been in the place 1 hour 20 minutes in that time we had drunk a coffee before our meal, eaten our meal in stages and had a thoroughly miserable time. We asked for the bill and was given a 20% discount in my opinion they should have not charged us I wouldn't go back there if your local one is like ours I suggest you do the following before going;
  1. Eat before hand.
  2. Have a drink before hand.
  3. Take a book, you'll need something to do while waiting.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Nothing better to do

Customer: "Hi Pete can you tell me what domains we own particularly acertaindomain.co.uk?"
Me: "OK just bear with me a second, hm acertaindoman and all its extensions are available?"
Customer: "Oh I didn't want to know about acertaindomain I wanted to know what we owned"
Me: "I'm sorry I'm confused, you asked me about acertaindoman that's why I looked it up yet you're now saying you're not interested in it?"
Customer: "Well the thing is someone has said someone wants to buy it"
Me: "Oh hang on you've had an email or a phone call saying someone wants to buy it but it would be a jolly good idea if you bought it instead?"
Customer: "Yes and I'm not sure what we should do"
Me: "Buy it from me I can do it right now if you like?"
Customer: "Oh is it a scam then?"
Me: "Not really its a sales ploy they hope you'll get the gitters and buy it"
Customer: "Oh well we don't really need it but thanks anyway"

If you'd have said up front someone wants you to buy a domain name you could have saved me a lot of time!

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Less is more

A couple of my colleagues went on a sales visit yesterday the customer is starting a new business and wants a Server, some workstations, networking etc, the usual stuff so one of our guys habitually does what I call 'The Chinese menu' type of selling.

No matter if its and email, quote or sales pitch he just cant help himself and reels off every conceivable service and product we offer now you and I both know the reason why? Its called "Desperation" its a desperation to sell something anything! Problem is your Prospect (Customer) will see that too.

Anyway having spent something like 30 minutes bombarding the poor guy with everything from a keyboard and mouse to a data farm they settle down to actually talking about what the prospect wants when Chinese menu man says;

Menu Man: "So you will be looking for a secretary then will you?"
Prospect: "Why? Do you do those as well!"

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Time Gentleman Please

Lloyds Bank Delhi: "Can I speak to Mr ..... please my name is Pardeep from Lloyds TSB"
Me: "I'm afraid he is out on site I'm not expecting him back in the office till 4pm"
Lloyds Bank Dehli: "Oh, I do need to speak with him what time shall I call back?"
Me: "Call me adventurous how about 4pm?"
Lloyds Bank Dehli: "OK I will call at that time then"


Friday, 3 December 2010

Crash bang wallop

Today's journey into work consisted of a stupid woman with what looked like half of Bloxwich's under 12's in her people carrier smacking into the back of my car while I was waiting at the lights and letting cars out.

Driver: "I skidded"

No you didn't your pack of gibbering baboons distracted you and you ran into me! The road is clear there is no ice or snow at all!

I let it slide and as there was no damage and carried on then blow me on the A5/A34 roundabout at Cannock an 87 year old guy drives across the front of me like he is in a getaway van or something then does that famous "If I keep looking ahead I can pretend I don't see him shaking his fist at me".

Thank god its Friday.