Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Can I slip it in

A customer has a faulty printer.

These days not many people cover printers under maintenance they're just too cheap to buy, might as well chuck it in the bin and buy a new one.

Customer: "Hi Pete I've had an email about renewing our maintenance can we put our two printers on it?"
Me: "Your printer is currently broken we cant do anything until its fixed"
Customer: "Ah yes I know its broken but can we put it on?"
Me: "No not for the minute and to be honest we don't cover printers anyway they're so cheap you can just buy a new one"
Customer: "You're an obstructive bastard aren't you?"
Me: "What? Hey? Er? Where did that come from?"

Oh wait let me guess you want to put it on maintenance so you don't have to pay the £65.00 an hour call out fee?

Hold my hand

A colleague quoted a customer £400.00 for wiping their server, installing M$ Windows 2003 Sever on it and shipping it to Scotland.

Customer: "Hi look thanks for the quote but we want to save a bit of money so I'll install it myself, I was just wondering if it would be OK to give you a ring when I do the install of 2003 server if I get any problems?"

Colleague: "Cough! Splutter! What?"

I'd have said "Yeah OK the help you want will cost £399.99 is that OK?"

Navy Lark

I've been watching a documentary on television called Royal Navy Caribbean Patrol its yet another fly on the wall program showing what our brave lads and lasses of HMS Manchester are doing to combat the drug smuggling from Colombia etc, Its been fairly enjoyable lots of speed boats with burley Marines boarding ships and boats and having small victories over the drug cartels.

Last nights episode I'm sorry to say had me in fits of hysterics and all for the wrong reasons. HMS Manchester came upon a Go-Fast a sort of supped up speedboat abandoned at sea "Oh jolly good this will give the chaps some fun and a bit of target practice." said the captain.

First up was one of Manchester's main pieces of armament its 115mm gun "whoar" this thing lobbed shells at the Go-Fast great plumes of water erupted and a couple of direct hits was scored! As the froth and spray cleared the Go-Fast sat there happily bobbing about, "Hm?" OK next up (I think) was the ships Lynx helicopter which hovered over the boat spraying bullets and death down on the bobbing embarrassment which still refused too die.

HMS Manchester edged closer and next up was the 20mm cannon this merrily punched holes in the boat yet failed to bring about its demise so into play came the Minigun better known to you and me as a Gatling gun these proceeded to fire off a billion rounds at probably £1.00 a bullet and all to no avail.

OK lets put a man aboard her with and Axe, we then see a poor able seaman hacking at the floor with said Axe and still the Go-Fast refuses to sink so they turn her over, nope "She's still float-in cap'in" right then here's a saw cut some holes in the hull.

They saw some holes pour petrol through said holes into the sea I presume, then a Marine fires a hand gun from the prow of Manchester at the Go-Fast to set it alight!

I have a sneaking suspicion that even that failed as while we saw shots being fired we never actually saw it burst into flame just 'on fire' as Manchester proudly moved on.

Poor old Nelson is wearing a patch over both his eyes on that one.

Oops Emote

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

I see no wifi

Customer: "Can you tell me the password for wifi?"

Extremely confused.

Me: "You don't have wifi"
Customer: "Oh? We have a consultant here with a laptop and he wants to connect to the wifi"
Me: "Er he cant you don't have wifi he could connect....................."
Customer: "OK thanks bye"
Me: "What? Wait!"

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

<Shrug>

Thursday, 10 February 2011

Uppsey daisy

Customer: "Hi we've had an upgrade disc from Sage I've put it in the drive but its not working the ROM drive says its empty can you pop out and have a look?"

20 Minutes later.

Engineer: "You've put the disc in upside down!"

"Luke, ya minds not right Luke"

Monday, 7 February 2011

Do me a favour

Customer: "Hi Pete can you fax me something, anything our fax machine went a bit wonky."
Me: "Er, ooh, well I suppose so."

Any chance I can get that 5p back?

Thursday, 3 February 2011

To burn or not to burn

Customer: "Hi Pete I'm after a bit of advice if that's OK"
Me: "Sure how can I help?"
Customer: "I've got all the pictures of my 18 month old daughter on a USB stick and I've been told I need to put them on a portable drive as the USB stick is a bad idea"
Me: "Erm isn't a USB stick portable then? True it might fail after a lot of re-writes why not put them on your laptop?"
Customer: "Ah well this bloke who say 's he builds his own computers said that was a bad idea as you cat get them off laptop hard drives"
Me: "What? I can take the drive out and stick it in a caddy what's this bloke on about?"
Customer: "What shall I do?"
Me: "Burn them on a DVD or CD and shove the discs in a draw"
Customer: "Can you do that then?"
Me: "Yes"
Customer: "Thanks for that Pete sorry its quick but Ive got to get off now I've got a bit of a nasty job to do I've got to give a bloke a written warning"
Me: "What for?"
Customer: "To be honest I think he lied at his interview he dosen't seem to know how to operate his lathe or any of the other machines."

He's not alone then?

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

What? That's extra?

Yet again we have a prime example of my biggest pet hate! Reading something I wrote and reading what you think was written.

Taken from an email I sent;

> That’s our problem we do not have a huge warehouse out the back stacked to the roof with them.
> I’m happy for us to install it for a price if you want to buy it from Amazon, thing is if you buy from us we can sort it out if there are any problems if you buy from Amazon all they say is “Send it back”.

Can someone tell where it says "If you buy the printer from me I will install it for free"?