Thursday, 26 September 2013

Comeback when you know.

So I had to phone a customer to tell him he was very close to his download limit with his broadband on one of his circuits. I hate phoning without all the facts so armed with some pricing options on either a per Gig over limit option or a price for raising his threshold.

Me: "Hey, it's not a major issue but you've reach the ceiling on your download allowance for this month on circuit xyz. Would you like to ..........."
Customer: "But Pete, I have two circuits which are supposed to be load balanced?"
Me: "Oh FF&%$£@#!! Sake!"

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

You can trust me.

Prospect: "Hi you was recommended by XYZ one of your customers."
Me: "Oh yes, I know them well."
Prospect: "We are a new startup and need a Server, Pc's ............"
Me: "Not a problem, I'll quote you."
Prospect: "Will you give us 30 days credit?"
Me: "I'm afraid not, you are after-all a new business."
Prospect: "But you know XYZ?"
Me: "Yes but we don't know you and as you say you're a startup?"
Prospect: "Well that's one of the reasons I asked."
Me: "To be honest I suspect 50% up front might even be pushing it?"
Prospect: "50%? But I want 30 days."

Think of all those poor sales people who have to put up with this on an hourly basis.

Monday, 23 September 2013

All I need is the air that I breath.

I cant say who it was as I will be skinned alive.

Me: "Here, have these tissues and blow your nose for Pete's sake!"
Anonymous: "I already have done, there's nothing up there."
Me: "Rubbish! I can hear it squelching when you sniff."
Anonymous: "Right, watch!"

Bloooow bloooow

Anonymous: "See, nothing!"
Me: "Don't you know how to blow your nose? Just hold it under your nostrils and blow hard a few times to ease the gunk out. Pinching your nose like that blocks your nostrils!"

Blooooooooooooow

Me: "There you go, nice empty tubes. Sheesh"

I resisted titling this "Blow job"

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Definition of worse?

I had to speak with T-Mobile tech support today about my daughters useless HTC Windows 8X mobile. Having sent it away for repair it was returned in even a worse state in that while originally it would not get a signal now it wouldn't even see the SIM

Technician: "How much worse would you say it is?"
Me: "How much worse can unusable get?"

Thursday, 5 September 2013

To me to you.

Had an hysterical phone call with a fellow web developer earlier.

Me: "Seriously, I don't mind if you do it."
Dev: "No, no, you do it Pete. I don't really want it."
Me: "I'd far rather you took it on."
Dev: "I don't really do that now, I just helped them out"
Me: "But you've done most of it?"
Dev: "But they want you to carry on!"
Me: "Why are you passing me the hand grenade?"
Dev: "Coz I don't want it going off in my face."
Me: "But you're ugly anyway?"
Dev: "For that I'm telling them you're taking it over!"
Me: "Noooooooooooooooooo"

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

I can buy it here.

Customer: "We have tracked down a toughbook, whizzo-IT has them. Can you quote me please?"
Me: "Aye? What? Who? When? Huh?"

I want my mum.

Lights on but nobody's home.

Engineer: "The scanner is working of sorts. That red light means the bulb is either dirty or failing."
Customer: "What's a bulb?"

I kid you not!

It's a mystery, oh it's a mystery

Customer: "Pete, you've got our website back but it's horrible!"
Me: "I know, there is something wrong with a widget, if we activate it it kills the site however you need it to display your site correctly."
Customer: "I don't understand, it was working now it's not?"
Me: "Have you never had a vehicle break down?"