Monday, 26 January 2015

Time is money.

So I listened to one of my colleagues (Who is not clued up on websites) struggle with a call and offered to take it over.

Me: "Hi xyz, so this is not difficult. Go to your current hosting company and ask them for a backup of your website. They will more than likely zip this up for you and offer you a URL for you/us to download it from."
Prospect: "You should be doing this! If I swap banks they do it all for me!"
Me: "We're not a bank though? Also, you'd have to get in touch with them anyway to give us permission soooo if you are contacting them it's no extra to ask them for a backup?"
Prospect: "LOOK! I've already wasted half an hour of my day on this!"
Me: "So have I."

I do so love people who complain about things they've not even paid for.

Thursday, 22 January 2015


Prospect: "Hi, you've given us several quotes and we will possibly be going with you in the future but we have a problem in that we are being attacked and someone is trying to hack our system."
Me: "Oooookay"
Prospect: "I need some help, we can pay by the way. The thing is our anti-virus picked up the port scan and our firewall is blocking it but it's a crappy firewall I need to speak with someone now."
Me: "Um? Antivirus does not detect port scans? However, lets get hold of xyz to speak with you and we'll worry about payments in a bit"
Prospect: "Can I just say I'm not paying anything unless you can demonstrate the advice will work."

  1. So you're not a customer.
  2. You're not going to move forward on the quotes we've given you for a fair bit.
  3. You want free help/advice.

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

There is a point to homework.

Just had a call from an SEO company, you know the type "Ooh we can optimise your site and get you way up in the rankings"

SEO: "Hi, can I speak with xyz?"
Me: "You can speak with me, how can I help you."
SEO: "It's about your website"
Me: "What about our website."
SEO: "We are a website optimisation company and we can improve your rankings on Google...."
Me: "Can I stop you there, have you looked at our website?"


Me: "If you had you would have seen we are an IT solutions provider, also we are an independent ISP."
SEO: "Oh, so you'd do that yourselves then?"

Well Duh!

Thursday, 8 January 2015

Dunno mate.

And this is why City Link has gone bust! Just had one of their competitors drop off two parcels, one of the boxes was damaged with a hole in it.

Me: "Oh, what's happened here?"
Driver: [Chewing gum] "Dunno mate, it was like that on the van."


Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Don't worry I'm good for it.

Prospect: "Hi Pete, I was given your details buy your customer xxyz, I was hoping you can do something similar to this?"

The link was to a well known electrical outlet in the UK offering a 24" screen and an incredible speck'd machine for the ridiculous sum of £499

Me: "I'm afraid there is no way I can match the prices of a multi-million pound organisation."

It then transpired that the machine was 'Home edition' which was no good for his domain set-up so I offered to quote him an alternative but forewarned him it was not going to be an "El Cheapo" price. I quoted him a really nice open boxed Dell with a 21" monitor and surprisingly only a couple of hundred more that the sale item he asked me about.

Prospect: "Does the monitor have speakers?"
Me: "Sadly not but I can do some reasonable ones for £6.00"
Prospect: "How about I don't have the keyboard and mouse and you give me the speakers?"
Me: "It comes with a keyboard and mouse."
Prospect: "Can I have 30 days credit?"

So I'll just decode all of that for you dear reader.

Hi, you don't know me from Adam but I've seen this cheap machine because I want to spend as little as possible. I have no idea of the machines suitability all I saw was the cheap price. As you deduced earlier I don't even want to spend a penny if I can help it so I've had a brilliant idea, coz I'm clever like that, you keep the keyboard and mouse and give me the speakers coz £6.00 is a hell of a lot of money isn't it? Oh and given you've never heard of me before, know nothing about me or my business can you give me 30 days credit which I might consider paying after 60 days and a lot of phones calls asking for payment?

Happy 2015