Monday, 25 April 2016

The pool is closed.

So I'm going to Malta in a couple of months time, I booked through a company that's more famous for burring you in the UK. TBH the whole process has been a nightmare, what with airports being changed, pre flight hotel being booked wrong, seriously, it takes a good three or four minutes to read all the notes associated with our booking and we've not even gone yet!

Friday I came home to a distraught wife, "There's a problem with the hotel, something about building work, they're writing to us." Are they? Well I'm still going down there.

Rep: "Yes Mr Cannon, unfortunately the work has overrun so the roof top pool, jacuzzi and terrace restaurant is closed."

Me: "Closed? CLOSED? it's no longer there! They ripped the roof off to build two extra storeys to the place!"

Rep: "As I say, the work has overrun."

Me: "Somebody must have known about this? You just don't decided to put two extra storeys on a hotel over a weekend."

Rep: "We can only go by what we're told."

Me: "You guys seem to say that a lot about everything, is that your stock answer?"

Some backwards and forwards later.

Me: "So you're saying by the time I go I won't be having wall plaster in my coffee, turps in my grapefruit juice then? You watch, I'll get there and our room won't have the balcony we paid for."

Rep: "It's in you paperwork, 'quiet room with a balcony' you'll be fine."

Me: "It said Birmingham airport in my paperwork originally, I'm flying from Manchester now!"

#Holidays

Friday, 15 April 2016

Responsibility

Customer: "I keep getting this filth! I've complained loads of times to your support guys and these spam emails, some of them with porn in, keep getting through!"

Me: "Really?"

Customer: "Yes, I spoke to Dave this morning and he told me to forward them to your spam reporting email address but they're still getting through! What are you guys playing at? I thought you filtered spam?"

Me: "We do."

Customer: "Well it's clearly crap because there's lots getting through!"

Me: "Forward one to me and I'll look into it personally."

10 minutes later

Me: "These spam emails you keep getting, it's nothing to do with us, we don't host your emails! They're hosted with CheepoPaPa that internationally acclaimed business grade hosting company for 37p every three years."

Customer: "But you do our IT support?"

Not your emails we don't mush.

Monday, 11 April 2016

Piggy in the middle

Director: "Hi can you change AB's password please? We need to get into her machine."

20 minutes later

AB: "I can't get into my machine?
Me: "Yes, Samantha asked us to change your password."
AB: "Why? What for?"
Me: "Maybe you should ask Samantha?"

click, brrrrrrrrr

That awkward moment.

So the Cannon Clan went to an Italian styled eatery last night. I ordered a strange meal from the menu, chicken stuffed with salami served with spaghetti, broccoli, green beans and peas. Monique ordered a 'well done' steak with chips.

As I ate some chicken I thought "This is burnt!" and sure enough along the bottom was a large burnt area as well as the edges of the rolled chicken breast. Monique then asked me to taste her steak. "It's really, badly burnt dad." it was, it was so bad it was like eating charcoal.

We asked to speak with the manager who, for purposes of this post, I need to point out was black.

Me: "Hi, this chicken is burnt, the problem when it's burnt is it permeates the food."
Manager: "Oh dear."
Me: "Sadly that's not all. While my daughter did order a 'well done' steak, as you can see it's also burnt, in fact it's so burnt it's black."
Manager: "What's wrong with the colour black?"

 #Gasp

Stunned silence was heard with deafening clarity.

We didn't pay for the two burnt meals and given they said it would take between 25 - 30 minutes to cook another steak, Monique and I went without main courses. :-(

Thursday, 7 April 2016

Mind Reader

I can read women's thoughts I discovered this morning. Monique was showing her sister Hannah her new iWatch.

Monique: "If I put my hand down it goes to sleep and when I lift my hand up it wakes up!"

Hannah: "Now that's cool!"

By the look on Hannah's beaming face I guess she will be down Currys Electrical at the weekend?

Saturday, 2 April 2016

That's a lot of Euro's.

I'm going to Malta in a few months time so it's off to all the Bureau de change's.

Me: "Hello there, how many Euro's can I get for £400.00 please?"
Cashier: "121"
Me: "Wow €1210.00? I'll have some of that!"
Cashier: "No, that's the rate, 121"
Me: "What part of how many can I get did you not understand?"

What is this latest trend of ignoring the actual question you asked and giving the answer you didn't ask for?

Friday, 1 April 2016

Which cable?

Customer: "Hi I can't get on the Internet and the icon says no network connection."
Colleague: "Can you check the network cable for me."
Customer: "Ah, we have an office dog and the cable seems to be chewed."
Colleague: "OK borrow another cable out of another PC for a minute and see if that fixes it."

Sounds of people in the background screaming "I've gone down!"

Customer: "No, that's still not working"
Colleague: "You've taken the server cable!"

#Facepalm

BBC News: Steel Crises: Port Talbot

BBC News: Steel Crises: Port Talbot

 The BBC had two steel workers on this morning.

Naga Munchetty: "And can I ask what feelings are like in the community this morning?"

Just fooking peachy!