Wednesday, 24 August 2016

There's always someone better.

So I've been flogging my guts out every day walking and swimming. After a lunchtime walk I had a conversation with our receptionist who has been with us about eight months now.



Samantha: "All this walking, maybe you should start walking to work?"

Me: "Funny you should say that, It's about seven miles to my house by car but there's a public footpath that's about four mile. I was thinking of maybe getting a bike."


Samantha: "Is that along the canal?"

Me: "Well the disused one, yes. But it looks muddy in places?"


Samantha: "I used to run to Walsall along that."

Me: "Run to Walsall? From Cheslyn Hay?"

Samantha: "Yes"

Me: "How long did that take?"

Samantha: "Three hours."

Me: "Get lost run to Walsall."

Samantha: "Pete, I used to do long distance running. I used to run for the county"

Me: "Get lost and don't speak to me, I'm closing me door"

Samantha: "Ahahahaha"

Monday, 22 August 2016

Swimming

The showers of my local Leisure Centre

Woman: "Well that's my 60 lengths done in 30 minutes."

Me: "Actually I'm really happy with my 50 lengths in 50 minutes."

At that point the 187 year old woman shuffled out the shower.

Wednesday, 17 August 2016

Are you listening to me?


Idiot: "Hello, this is <unintelligible> from HP. Can you tell me the person responsible for purchasing toner cartridges in your organisation?"

Me: "We don't purchase them."

OK, that's not strictly true. We do purchase them, now and again, from suppliers but not from distribution.

Idiot: "OK, can you tell me who's in charge of purchasing them then please?"

Me: "Aye? How can there be anyone in charge of purchasing them if, as I've already said, we don't purchase them?"

Click, Brrrrrrrrrrrr

Me: "Hello?"

Are you listening to me?


Idiot: "Hello, this is <unintelligible> from HP. Can you tell me the person responsible for purchasing toner cartridges in your organisation?"

Me: "We don't purchase them."

OK, that's not strictly true. We do purchase them, now and again, from suppliers but not from distribution.

Idiot: "OK, can you tell me who's in charge of purchasing them then please?"

Me: "Aye? How can there be anyone in charge of purchasing them if, as I've already said, we don't purchase them?"

Click, Brrrrrrrrrrrr

Me: "Hello?"

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

Oi, Waterboy!


I went to the doctors last week because my legs and feet are swelling up like balloons. As expected they took bloods, however I did say "Don't bother with the cholesterol, I know it's through the roof." the reason they were taking bloods was to make sure my kidneys could withstand the water tablets I was hoping to get.




last night I went back for the results.

Nurse: "Ah Peter, your here to talk about your cholesterol?"
Me: "Erm? No."
Nurse: "Oh? You had some bloods taken last month?"
Me: "Erm? No, last week."
Nurse: "Why are you here?"
Me: "For my results?"
Nurse: "What was you tested for? Maybe I should look at the notes."
Well duh!
Me: "I was tested to make sure water tablets didn't kill me. My legs and feet are up and down like yoyo's"
Nurse: "Ah, well your heart is fine, your liver is fine and your kidneys are fine, however your cholesterol has increased."
Me: "Yes, well, as I say, I know about the cholesterol. Now about my legs?"

Cut a long story short, I didn't get any tablets, the nurse says its the heat THE HEAT? I'm wearing a sleeveless jumper today! She tried to tell me that the heart deals with all the waste??? "So it's not the kidneys and liver that cleans everything then? No wonder I did crap at school. Damned biology teachers!" this particular nurse is fixated on cholesterol, it was clear she was building up to putting my swelling down to it.

Me: "Sooo, I take it you won't be prescribing me any tablets then?"
Nurse: "No, you don't need them, you just need to change your diet and put your feet up."

As I left the consulting I muttered under my breath "I'll get right on it and hand in my notice tomorrow." put my feet up. Sheesh.

Oh, one good thing though. I was convinced my liver was shot to pieces, seems I was wrong. I'll have a large Bushmills please.