Monday, 14 November 2016

Ask a question

Colleague: "I've had an inquiry for maintenance of some PC's but one of them is running XP which in turn is operating a laser cutter."

Me: "We wouldn't support the XP OS but we'll support the hardware."

Colleague: "Well I said we wouldn't support XP but he didn't seem worried about the price. He did want to know how we could support him if he had a problem."

Me: "Such as? What sort of problem? Is he talking about the XP or the hardware?"

Colleague: "Well he said he'd had two other company's out but they couldn't support him."

Me: "More like they wouldn't. So as I said, what is this 'problem' that he's talking about?"

Five minutes of waffle later.

Colleague: "I don't know."

Me: "Thing is you do this a lot. Let me put it into context for you. If you went to  the doctor and said "I'm ill" the doctor is hardly likely to just give you a load of drugs are they? They're definitely going to ask you what's wrong with you or at the very least ask you to give them some clues as to what might be wrong."

Colleague: "I Suppose so."

Me: "No suppose about it, so how can I answer your question when you spoke with the guy and yet you didn't ask the question? Send him the maintenance brochure, make sure you restate in the email we do not support XP and follow it up in a few days."

Thursday, 10 November 2016

Porsche

One of my customers is a religious organisation, I think they're Pentecostal gospel or something like that. I do like to play them up a bit when I speak to them, given they've known me for coming up to 20 years I can get away with it.

Me: "Abele-eeeeeeeee, how are you today?"


Abele: "Very good Peter, how are you?"

Me: "Not too bad although I was wondering if you could have a word with the big man upstairs and get me a Porsche 911?"

Abele: [Laughing] "You could do that yourself Peter but he will only give you that which will improve your life. If it will harm you in the future then he will not give it to you."

Me: "What? He won't let me have what will harm me? If that's the case how come he let me marry the misses!"

Abele: [Roaring Laughing] "Oh Peter, you really are a terrible man."

Me: "I know, so about this Porsche."


Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Take more Indians

Remain-er: "Ha! See, see, so much for your Brexit! Theresa May goes to India to try and get some trade and the Indians demand the UK accept more people. So much for taking control of the borders and getting rid of immigrants."

Me: "Umm? Firstly, nobody said anything about totally stopping immigration. What the LEAVE campaign said was we should have control of our borders and therefore control over who comes in rather than the EU telling us who and how many we should take. Secondly India is talking about FEE PAYING students coming over to study with the proviso that they will be entitled to work in the UK for up to three years after they get their Degree etc. This would be in exchange for access to Indian markets such as the Insurance sector that is worth billions! Currently this is a closed sector to anyone outside of India so it would be a massive coup if we could tap into that and 10 or 20 thousand students who will pay to be here is a small price to pay."

Remain-er: "But they'll still be in effect immigrants enjoying the same stuff as UK residents."

Me: "Umm? No, as foreign nationals they' have to pay for any NHS treatment and they will not be entitled to any welfare payments. I am however willing to concede that once in the country if they choose to seek political asylum for instance then the welfare system does kick in for them but on the whole those individuals will probably be weeded out in a strong vetting system and so would not come here in the first place."

Remain-er: "Huh! we'll see when nobody wants to trade with us."

Me: "LOL"

Thursday, 3 November 2016

Reboot is your friend.

User: "My PC has a black screen and says  something about an issue and I need to log on to the domain. It's been complaining on the banking site, something about updating Silverlight."

Me: "OK, when did you last update?"

User: "Update? I back up every..."

Me: "No update, Windows update, Microsoft update."

User: "Oh I never do that, Sarah looks after things like that on her machine but she's not here."

Me: "What? Her machine? Never mind. Hold the power button in for me until the PC goes off."

User: "Do you mean the button I push to make it come on?"

Me: [While stabbing my upper thigh with a fountain pen] "Yes"

Windows startup sound

Me: "Ah, it's starting I can hear"

User: "Well I got this far before, it's taking ages"

Login Prompt sound

Me: "Well there's the login, that was pretty quick imo. Put your password in."

Sound of login

User: "Well that's working now! What was wrong?"

Me: [Resisting the urge to say PEBAK] "No idea, goodbye."