Are you serious?

Customer: "Pete, why has the hard drive failed?" Me: "I have no idea, I know lets ask Cortana" Keywords: 'Plane' and 'Head' :-(

It's the wife's birthday next month. Wife: "Yes your dad's off that week." Daughter: "But you don't want to be doing DIY on your birthday?" Wife: "I'm not but you're dad is!" O_o

B&Q's (diy.com) 8:40am Me: "Can you move out the way love so I can scan these items." Wife: "I need to watch you with these you can never seem to work them!" Me: o_O Three items in. Me: "Bubb what are you doing? Don't touch anything, you can't pick anything up till I've finished!" Wife: "Don't talk rubbish." Beep Beep Beep [PLEASE WAIT FOR AN ASSISTANT! ITEM REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA!] Me: "I told you not to touch it." A minute or so later the misses fed the machine with £20 notes. Me: "Bubb where you going?" Wife: "Tsk I have my change." Me: "Wait for your notes out the bottom." Out popped a £5 note, seems I do know how to work them? :-D

This just in from one of my suppliers Supplier: "You're not gonna believe this Pete, had one of my customers ring me up and he was going mental down the phone because the 8300 I sold him had PS2 ports!" Me: "But it has USB ports on the back doesn't it?" Supplier: "Yeah  four of them." Me: "So what's the problem?" Supplier: "He says he doesn't need PS2 and that I've miss-sold to him." I hate him already and I don't even know who the so called customer is.

Scene 1 A well known store full of freezers. Customer: "How much are the grapes?" Checkout: "They're two for £3 or £1.87 each" Customer:  "But I have two items?" Checkout: "The grapes are two for £3" Customer:  "Yes, that's right, two for three pounds." Me:  [With only an hour for lunch] The grapes are three pound if you buy two punnet's of them, it's not £3 for any old two items in the store!" Customer:  "Oh" How do I find these people? Is it just me?

Caller: "Hi, can I speak with xyz please." Me: I'm afraid they work till 3pm" Caller:  "Oh, so you can't put me through?" Me: "They work till 3pm and it is now 3:27pm sooo" Caller:  "Oh, I thought they worked from home, I was hoping you could put me through." Me: "They do work from home, they finish at 3pm" Sheesh how hard is that?