Are you serious?

The wife was wandering around with a price tag label hanging out the back of her dressing gown this morning. Daughter: "Have a look how much she costs dad." Me: "Whatever it is I can't afford it." #TaDa

Expert: "Hi, I'm building a new website, can you give me the login details for the CPanel?" Me: "We do not use CPanel, I'll get you the FTP details." Expert: "FTP details?" Me: "Yes, you do know FTP don't you?" Expert: "Of course I've heard of FTP." Me: "With the greatest respect that's not what I asked, I asked if you knew it as in how to use it?" Expert: "No I've never used it, I've never had to." Me: "Ah, Well it's dead easy although if you're unsure I can upload a copy of Wordpress for you then give you the MySQL details and you can install it yourself." Expert: "I'm not sure I know what you mean?" Me: "You do know how to install Wordpress don't you?" Expert: "Yes! I've done it hundreds of times!!" Me: "I mean installed it from the browser, gave the MySQL details and set the password?" Expert: ...

Last week I spent over an hour fixing someones Zencart installation for them. I was kind of suckered into doing this for free even though they themselves had broken it. (Abridged and prices excluded.) 09:00 Customer Email: "Thank you for fixing the site last week, I'm still having problems with the plugin. Can you help me?" 09:10 Me Email: "I'm always willing to help. I can look at it but I'll need to invoice you on an hourly basis. I can also offer you training for either a full or half day rate. Alternatively here are the links to the ZenCart site and also the author of the plugin. " 09:30 Customer Email: "I don't need any training, I just need to know how to adjust the values on the plugin. I'll have a look at the Zencart forum when I have a minute." Yeah, you do that.

An external support company rang on behalf of one of our customers. Support: "Joan cannot log into the email account you set up for her, can you tell me what problems she is likely to have?" Me: "What error message is she getting?" Support: "I have no idea." Me: "Well with the greatest respect how can I tell you what problems she is likely to have when I don't know what is wrong?" I kid you not!

How to get out of something, excuse No. 3725 "Can you have a word with John, he's going on about the configuration and I've never been to that site so I don't know the setup." Erm? You're an IT Engineer! You should know how to manipulate systems, the location is irrelevant!

Customer: "Can I speak to Dave please?" Me: "I'm afraid I've just put a call through to him." Customer: "Any idea how long he will be?" Me: "How the fook would I know? Do I look like pigging 'Mesmo the psychic reader'? I know, why don't I jump in my time machine, nip forward an hour or so, ask Dave how long he was on the phone for, nip back and tell you how long he will be. Maybe I can get the answer from the Tarot cards or ancient runes?" Me: "I'm sorry I have no idea.

So I went to #crufts2016 on Saturday, for those who have never been, it's really busy and the venue is huge! Lots of people bring their own food as to be honest the food is pretty expensive there. By midday I was starving and the wife and I queued up at a Pie & Mash stall. Me: "I'm going to have pie, mash and plenty of liquor ." Wife: "Do you want a burger?" Me: "Ooh, maybe I do want a burger, what ones have they got?" Wife: "They don't do burgers here just pie & mash." Me: "WTF! Why are you asking me if I want a burger then?" I swear she's a secret drinker, or on drugs maybe? ;-)

That moment when a BT engineer rings you from site and tells you he can't find the line for the number you registered a fault against and that the router is plugged into a line but for a totally different number. BT Engineer: "I'm sorry but you'll have to raise a new fault for the new number." :'(

Customer: "Can you give me the Wordpress login details?" Me: "You don't have a Wordpress site? In fact you do not have a website." Customer: "I know that's what I'm asking for." Me: "Sorry?" Customer: "I want you to put the Wordpress software on so we can have a website." Me: "Umm? It's not as simple as that and plus we would charge for doing that." Customer: " Oh no, no no, I just want you to put the software on for our website." Me: "You do not have a website, you have webhosting with us, but no website has been uploaded, you'll need to put something like Wordpress on the webhosting." Customer: " Well I'm not paying for that!" Me: "Tell you what, I'll get you the FTP details and database name and you can install it yourself." Customer: "So you won't put the software on then?" Me: "Yes, I can, but it is chargeable. Shall I just...