Are you serious?

So I've been flogging my guts out every day walking and swimming. After a lunchtime walk I had a conversation with our receptionist who has been with us about eight months now. Samantha: "All this walking, maybe you should start walking to work?" Me: "Funny you should say that, It's about seven miles to my house by car but there's a public footpath that's about four mile. I was thinking of maybe getting a bike." Samantha: "Is that along the canal?" Me: "Well the disused one, yes. But it looks muddy in places?" Samantha: "I used to run to Walsall along that." Me: "Run to Walsall? From Cheslyn Hay?" Samantha: "Yes" Me: "How long did that take?" Samantha: "Three hours." Me: "Get lost run to Walsall." Samantha: "Pete, I used to do long distance running. I used to run for the county" Me: "Get lost and don't speak to m...

The showers of my local Leisure Centre Woman: "Well that's my 60 lengths done in 30 minutes." Me: "Actually I'm really happy with my 50 lengths in 50 minutes." At that point the 187 year old woman shuffled out the shower.

Idiot: "Hello, this is < unintelligible> from HP. Can you tell me the person responsible for purchasing toner cartridges in your organisation?" Me: "We don't purchase them." OK, that's not strictly true. We do purchase them, now and again, from suppliers but not from distribution. Idiot: "OK, can you tell me who's in charge of purchasing them then please?" Me: "Aye? How can there be anyone in charge of purchasing them if, as I've already said, we don't purchase them?" Click, Brrrrrrrrrrrr Me: "Hello?"

Idiot: "Hello, this is < unintelligible> from HP. Can you tell me the person responsible for purchasing toner cartridges in your organisation?" Me: "We don't purchase them." OK, that's not strictly true. We do purchase them, now and again, from suppliers but not from distribution. Idiot: "OK, can you tell me who's in charge of purchasing them then please?" Me: "Aye? How can there be anyone in charge of purchasing them if, as I've already said, we don't purchase them?" Click, Brrrrrrrrrrrr Me: "Hello?"

I went to the doctors last week because my legs and feet are swelling up like balloons. As expected they took bloods, however I did say "Don't bother with the cholesterol, I know it's through the roof." the reason they were taking bloods was to make sure my kidneys could withstand the water tablets I was hoping to get. last night I went back for the results. Nurse: "Ah Peter, your here to talk about your cholesterol?" Me: "Erm? No." Nurse: "Oh? You had some bloods taken last month?" Me: "Erm? No, last week." Nurse: "Why are you here?" Me: "For my results?" Nurse: "What was you tested for? Maybe I should look at the notes." Well duh! Me: "I was tested to make sure water tablets didn't kill me. My legs and feet are up and down like yoyo's" Nurse: "Ah, well your heart is fine, your liver is fine and your kidneys are fine, however your cholesterol has increas...