Are you serious?

Me: "I'll cook tonight love." Wife: "OK." Later that day. Me: "What would you like me to cook?" Wife: "The dog needs a walk he's not been out all day." Me: "No problem I'll take him" Wife: "I'll put some chips in the oven." Me: "Cool." So the dog gets outside sniffs left and right and wants to go back indoors. Wife: "Don't tell me he didn't want to go?" Me: "You know what he's like." A little while later. Me: "Thanks for the burger and chips love that was nice." Wife: "I knew you wouldn't cook."

Customer: "Hi Pete you know how I keep having to reboot my router to get a good service well it's getting a bit silly now" Me: "Erm you didn't need to reboot your router, you had some machines infected on your network that was banging every port under the sun!" Customer: "Well when I reboot the router it's fine for about half an hour?" Me: "Yes because you severed the link to the Internet when you rebooted the router, once the connection was re-established the spyware or whatever it is started banging the ports again!" Customer: "Oh erm?" Me: "Even a blind man could see that?" Customer: "What shall I do?" Me: "I'll give you the machines IP take it off the network, clean it get some anti spyware and bollock the user" Customer: "Can you do that then?" Me: "Yes" Thank god it's Friday

A call was put through by reception who assure me they heard "OK" said when they put the call through after explaining who was on the line. Colleague: "For fuck sake it's going to be a piss ant email problem I'm sick to death of dealing with this shit." Two second pause. Colleague : "I'm sorry John I apologies I was in the middle of something." Oops!

Customer: "Hi Pete I'm going on holiday, would it be possible to get my emails sent to the sales account?" Me: "Sure." Customer: "What about one of them I'm not here thingy's?" Me: "You mean Out Of Office, sure not a problem. When do you go on holiday?" Customer: "August." Me: "But it's June?" Customer: "Yeah I know but I'll forget." Me: "So will I ring me nearer the time." Where did I put them postit notes?

Customer: "Hi we sold our site in Stourbridge in February can you tell me if we have any contracts still live for that site?" Me: "What contracts did you have? I know I could find out but it would be quicker if you knew what they was." Customer: "I have an invoice for ADSL for the period March to May." Me: "Ah OK you have Broadband let me look. Um it looks like you have not canceled the ADSL?" Customer: "But we sold the site over three months ago now." Me: "Did you tell us?" Customer: "Well that's why I'm ringing" Me: "You'll have to send us an email as we need written confirmation." Customer: "Will we still get charged?" Me: "Yes." Customer: "But why? We sold the site in February!" Me: "But you didn't tell us." I suppose we're not classed as an integral part of their company? It's a bit like moving house and not telling the postman...

Customer: "Hi I've had an email bounce back to me it says the email is too large? It say my email is 26MB and that the limit is 25MB" Me: "That's correct it's always been 25MB" Customer: "No it's not! I have sent much larger files in the past I sent a 300MB one last week!" Me: "I'm afraid you didn't as I say it's 25MB" Customer: "It's this new server you installed, I cant work like this you will have to sort this out or we will have to look at an alternative course of action." Me: "I have no idea what can be done the limit is 25MB" Customer: "Look just look into it and call me back!" About 20 minutes later. Customer: "Erm I've looked at some of the mails I sent last week and it would seem I was confusing MB with KB the 300 one was 300KB" Me: [Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out] I'm still waiting for the apology.

I had a call from a customer on a car phone. Customer: "Hi there, on 25th May 2010 one of your guys came out to us as our server crashed and we lost a lot of data" Me: "A year ago?" Customer: "Yes, thing is one of our guys had a speeding ticket then and I've been out of the country and I've come back and had a summons! I have to be in court on 20 minutes" Me: "Er?" Customer: "Can you have a look back in the logs for when you came out and fax over a letter saying when you came out and confirming the data loss?" Me: "Firstly there is nobody here at the minute who can access the archives plus it would take longer than twenty minutes to get that faxed over but more importantly what has the server crash got to do with a speeding fine letter?" Customer: "Oh never mind I'll just have to go in without it" Please! Someone stop that, its trying to escape! I think its what little is left of my brain.