Are you serious?

ACT1 SCENE1 Colleague:  "Quick everyone, come and look at this new virus!" [Porn video playing on laptop] Me:  "And what if our receptionist walked in? Is there no end?

*ACT1 SCENE1* " _Why you no listen?_ " *Me:* "Hi can I have the Italian BMT please?" *Subway_Girl:* "What would you like on it?" *Me:* "Erm? Err? Jalapeño peppers?" *Subway_Girl:* "Don't you want any meat?" *Me:* "Sorry, what do you mean?" *Subway_Girl:* "What meat do you want on your sandwich?" *Me:* "I want the Italian BMT, look that one up there on the menu board." *Subway_Girl:* "Do you want cheese?" *Me:* "Yes I would like cheese." *Subway_Girl:* "Salad?" *Me:* [crushed and crying] "Yes I would like salad." *Subway_Girl:* "Sauce?" *Me:* [Hanging from the hand rail] "No, no thank you just my sandwich." *Subway_Girl:* "Would you like a drink?" *Me:* [Calling through the floor boards] "No, no thank you I must get back to work" *Subway_Girl:* "It's 9p cheaper if you have a drink" *Me:* [Waving a white flag] ...

Me: "I'll cook tonight love." Wife: "OK." Later that day. Me: "What would you like me to cook?" Wife: "The dog needs a walk he's not been out all day." Me: "No problem I'll take him" Wife: "I'll put some chips in the oven." Me: "Cool." So the dog gets outside sniffs left and right and wants to go back indoors. Wife: "Don't tell me he didn't want to go?" Me: "You know what he's like." A little while later. Me: "Thanks for the burger and chips love that was nice." Wife: "I knew you wouldn't cook."

Customer: "Hi Pete you know how I keep having to reboot my router to get a good service well it's getting a bit silly now" Me: "Erm you didn't need to reboot your router, you had some machines infected on your network that was banging every port under the sun!" Customer: "Well when I reboot the router it's fine for about half an hour?" Me: "Yes because you severed the link to the Internet when you rebooted the router, once the connection was re-established the spyware or whatever it is started banging the ports again!" Customer: "Oh erm?" Me: "Even a blind man could see that?" Customer: "What shall I do?" Me: "I'll give you the machines IP take it off the network, clean it get some anti spyware and bollock the user" Customer: "Can you do that then?" Me: "Yes" Thank god it's Friday

A call was put through by reception who assure me they heard "OK" said when they put the call through after explaining who was on the line. Colleague: "For fuck sake it's going to be a piss ant email problem I'm sick to death of dealing with this shit." Two second pause. Colleague : "I'm sorry John I apologies I was in the middle of something." Oops!

Customer: "Hi Pete I'm going on holiday, would it be possible to get my emails sent to the sales account?" Me: "Sure." Customer: "What about one of them I'm not here thingy's?" Me: "You mean Out Of Office, sure not a problem. When do you go on holiday?" Customer: "August." Me: "But it's June?" Customer: "Yeah I know but I'll forget." Me: "So will I ring me nearer the time." Where did I put them postit notes?

Customer: "Hi we sold our site in Stourbridge in February can you tell me if we have any contracts still live for that site?" Me: "What contracts did you have? I know I could find out but it would be quicker if you knew what they was." Customer: "I have an invoice for ADSL for the period March to May." Me: "Ah OK you have Broadband let me look. Um it looks like you have not canceled the ADSL?" Customer: "But we sold the site over three months ago now." Me: "Did you tell us?" Customer: "Well that's why I'm ringing" Me: "You'll have to send us an email as we need written confirmation." Customer: "Will we still get charged?" Me: "Yes." Customer: "But why? We sold the site in February!" Me: "But you didn't tell us." I suppose we're not classed as an integral part of their company? It's a bit like moving house and not telling the postman...