Are you serious?

Colleague: "Look, how long do you think it will take to sort out those PC's? We could be at it all day!" Me: "But once it's sorted they won't have anything to moan about?" Colleague:  "Yeah until one of em goes wrong." Me: "But that should be easy and one failure is better than fifty odd in my book."

Customer: "Can you quote me for two HP DC7700 and the other bits we discussed?" Me: "Sure no problem, the 7700's are £145.00 each by the way." Customer:  "Ooh that price is really good, I might take nine instead. How much for nine, is there a discount?" Hang on a sec, because it's such a good price you want seven extra but you want them even cheaper still? tell you what, just buy the two at the fair price I'm selling them at.

So a customer came to see me to discuss yet more changes they wanted to make. Customer: "See here on the final check out it's saying Tax 7%?" Me: "So who changed the values?" Customer:  "I, I don't think we have?" Me: "OK lets go Taxes--->Tax rates, change to UK 20%" Customer:  "Ooh was it that easy?" Me: "Yep, but I'm still billing you for it." Customer:  "But? But?" Me: "Hey, I knew how to do it and you didn't that's why you pay me." Ker Ching

Me: "Why cant I ssh in?" Me: "Helps if you use 10.165 and not 10.65 you cretin!" Me:  "Why is it not detecting index.php?" Me:  "It helps if you put the site in /var/www/ and don't put it in /root/ you amoebae!"

Customer: "Hi, we have a printer that's off-line and I cant seem to get it back on. Also I have another printer I need adding to a PC." Me: "OK but unfortunately you do not have a support contract with us so I'm afraid it's chargeable at £35 per hour." Customer: "Yes I know we don't have a contract that's why we don't ring you very often." Me: "Erm? OK?" Customer:  "Is there anyone there that can point us in the right direction?" Me: "Yes, at £35 per hour." Hello Mr Garage owner, you know you fitted a new wiper blade three years ago well I need some help  with .........

Customer: "Hi Pete, can I order two of your XP refurbished boxes please?" Me: "Tell you what, if you order three I'll make you a nice filter coffee when you come to collect." Customer:  "But I don't need three?" Me: "It's very nice filter coffee." Customer:  "Well I suppose I can put one in the warehouse, go on I'll take three then." I do like a man who can be bribed with filter coffee.

Gaffer: "Hmm, I had to spend ages on Friday sorting out an email issue for a customer, great Bank holiday I had!" Me: "Ah well, that's what comes of part owning the business." Gaffer: "Hrmph, mutter, mutter, grumble."