Are you serious?

I am living proof of those people who say "You know if I wrote a book about it nobody would believe it!" So I went to visit my daddy today in Birmingham QE hospital. I caught the train to Birmingham and had to change for University station. I spied a guy in blue offering platform information at Birmingham and made my way towards him. Mr Blue coat (I have no idea what they're called?) was just about to help a very smartly dressed guy who looked to be in his early twenties. Passenger: "Can you tell me where to go for the 13.20 to blah blah blah?" ( I forget where now ) Mr Blue: "Platform 7 sir." Passenger:  "Platform 7? You sure?" Mr Blue: "Yes sir, platform 7" Passenger:  "It says four coaches?" Mr Blue: "That's right sir." Passenger:  "So there's no tracks at platform 7 then?" Mr Blue: "I'm Sorry?" Passenger:  "I've never heard of coaches stopping at platf...

So I run an 'Opt-In' mailing list predominately of refurbished PC's and Laptops. All the prices are excluding delivery and are Ex VAT. I had this begging email when I got in this morning. I regularly get your email updates, but all of the available machines are more expensive than I want to pay. I currently have a Compaq Pressario running XP, however it is extremely slow. I need an XP machine as I cannot afford to upgrade all of the software on the one I have. I also have a Dell laptop running Windows 7 (64 bit). This is the specification for my Compaq: Compaq  Presario 6207EA Microsoft® Windows XP Home Edition Service Pack 3 Celeron CPU 1.70 GHz 1.49GB RAM Maxtor 2F040J0 Hard Drive 40 GB Samsung SP0812N Hard Drive 80 GB (Secondary Drive) HL-DT-ST DVD-ROM GDR8161B TDK DVDRW161N Floppy Drive I know that the deal on your update below is a good one, and I could load XP instead of 7, but it is still quite a way above my budget. Could you let me know if you ha...

Back in the good old days when you was allowed to shove small boys up chimneys ordering fish and chips was easy. "Fish and chips please love." the only response you got was "Salt and vinegar darling?" sadly today is very different. Ask for fish and chips now and you'll get a whole barrage of "Is that a special?" Armed with this we went to the chip shop last night fully prepared for their annoying options. Me: [Full of smugness] "Can I have sausage and chips special please." Assistant: "Is that the £1.50 or £2.50 special?" Aaaarrrgghh WTF!  Ok ok lets move on. Me: [Full of trepidation] "Can I have kebab meat and chips please, OH WAIT! you only do small or large don't you?" Assistant: "No we do a breakfast special, a daily special, a mini special, small, medium or large." Aaaaaaarrrrrrggghh! Can I not just go in, order something, get served and leave? :'(

Engineer: "Okay, put s&^jO0p+b in the password box" Customer: "What shall I put in the confirm password box?" Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhh

Office bod: "Ello mate, is xyz there?" Me: "I'm afraid he left the office about fifteen minutes ago." Office bod:  "Well he sent me an email for a second twin monitor. Thing is I want one the same size as Eric" Me: "And what size does Eric have?" Office bod:  "A big one." Me: "A big one? Can you be more specific, what size is it?" Office bod:  "Umm? 58 inch is it?" Me: "I have no idea, measure it diagonally from corner to corner." Office bod:  "700mil" Me: [Deep sigh] "So 28" Inch then?" Office bod:  "Yeah, suppose so." Me: "What size is the monitor you currently have?" Office bod:  "19" inch" Me: "So do you want two 28" inch or just one 19" inch as they usually are the same size?" Office bod:  "I suppose the 19" inch" Me: "So what size is the one xyz quoted?" Office bod:  ...

I do so love these people who spout "Consumer rights at you" and yet  have no clue whatsoever that they're talking out their derrière. Just had some moron rant at me that; Moron: "By law all new goods must come with 1 years warranty!" Me: "How many are you looking for?" Moron: "None! I'm just telling you you're breaking the law by giving 3 months warranty!" Me: "Lucky they are refurbished goods then?" Moron:  "What? Aye? Erm?" Clearly  he had not read the email properly or he would have noticed the range of warranties from three, six to twelve months. And the clear wording "Refurbished" on those that were, but what is even more interesting is this person is such a sad sack that they waste theirs and my time to score some sort of personal success by finding something which actually does not exist. I suspect he's a Guardian reader? :-)

Customer: "I need a Hi-Spec laptop something really stable for our business." Me: "Well we have another customer who is in your line of work, I supplied them yesterday with one for just under £2K" Customer:  "Yes, the Director was thinking about £1K" Me: "OK let me get a quote together for that and the other work you want doing." A few minutes later. Customer:  "The budget for the laptop is £600.00." And would you like me to throw in a box of crayons, some play-doh and a painting by numbers book? Hi-Spec pfffft