Are you serious?

As some of you may know I had the two big toe toenails removed last week. Me: "Come and rub my feet will you?" Engineer: "Fook off will I rub your manky feet!" Me: "See, this is exactly the attitude I was talking about. Uncooperative and bolshy."

Customer: "Yes we'd like you to search his computer, we have reports he's looking at porn all day." Engineer: "Umm? These 583 bookmarks and 1.5GB of images might answer that question." Priceless.

The misses has bought some artificial flowers, they were sat on the kitchen windowsill last night when I came home. They're Ok, mind you what would I know about flowers anyway? I wasn't convinced they looked right where they were but after many years I have learnt to keep quiet on such matters. Wife: "Bubb, do these look OK on the telephone table?" Me: "TBH I wasn't convinced they looked right on the windowsill anyway." Wife:  "So they're alright there then?" Me: "Thing is, I liked the glass vase one that was on the telephone table." Wife:  "So you don't like it there?" Me: "Tell you what leave it a day or so and see how we feel." Wife:  "I'll put it back in the kitchen." Me: "OK if you like." Wife:  "You're so annoying! You moan you never get to choose stuff in the house and when I ask you about something you can't make your mind up!" Me: "Erm...

Me: "How come it's always me who has to sort out the problems and complaints?" Colleague: "Because you actually care about the customers." Me: "I'm not sure if that's a compliment or a sad indictment?"

I went to the doctors on Tuesday, the last time I went was, ooh? Eight plus years ago? Now our doctors is one of those Health Centre jobbies, the type that has four or five practices in it. You take a seat and watch the banner display for your name. After a short while I saw "Peter C......... Room 5" I opened the door to a startled doctor seeing a patient. Me: "Oooh sorry this is room 5? Doctor: "Yes?" Me: "Oh, it said Peter Cannon room five." Doctor: "Peter Cotton" Me: "Oops." I had to go back again today for some blood tests. My appointment with the nurse was 08:50 so I arrived at a quarter to and was told to take a seat outside room 5. I waited and waited and waited and then noticed that there was also a banner display for the nurses, damn! I should have watched that? I bet the nurse is waiting in there for me? So I went and knocked the door, opened it, and there was some poor woman with her arm out her top having blo...

Yet again we're having some work done at Castle Cannon, part of which is painting the doors. Wife: "You've put the rings back on the door handles!" Me: "Yes, the paints dry." Wife:  "But they need doing again, look you can still see the old screw holes!" Me: "You're joking? How'd that happen? I'll have to sand that paint off, fill them again and then we'll have to paint again." Wife:  "Really?" Me: "Yes really. I have no idea what went on there? All I can think is the filler retracted for some reason but I've not seen that before?" Not best pleased I went back to watching some Business Report. Ten minutes later. Wife:  "I think it might have been me with the filler you know." Me: "How come?" Wife:  "I scraped them, I think I might have pulled some out." Me: "Why would you scrape them? You sand filler!" Wife:  "I'm in trouble aren...

Webmaster: "So what you're really saying is you've broken it?" Me: "Listen, it's not about Ooo did what..." Webmaster: "So I was right, you did break it?" Me: "I think we should focus on the solution to the problem..." Webmaster:  "You broke it and you want me to fix it." Me: "If by fix it you mean restore the image you have, then yes." Webmaster:  "You broke it." Me: "I'm telling my mum!"