Are you serious?

Colleague : "I've had an inquiry for maintenance of some PC's but one of them is running XP which in turn is operating a laser cutter." Me : "We wouldn't support the XP OS but we'll support the hardware." Colleague : "Well I said we wouldn't support XP but he didn't seem worried about the price. He did want to know how we could support him if he had a problem." Me : "Such as? What sort of problem? Is he talking about the XP or the hardware?" Colleague : "Well he said he'd had two other company's out but they couldn't support him." Me : "More like they wouldn't. So as I said, what is this 'problem' that he's talking about?" Five minutes of waffle later. Colleague : "I don't know." Me : "Thing is you do this a lot. Let me put it into context for you. If you went to  the doctor and said "I'm ill" the doctor is hardly likely to...

One of my customers is a religious organisation, I think they're Pentecostal gospel or something like that. I do like to play them up a bit when I speak to them, given they've known me for coming up to 20 years I can get away with it. Me : "Abele-eeeeeeeee, how are you today?" Abele : "Very good Peter, how are you?" Me : "Not too bad although I was wondering if you could have a word with the big man upstairs and get me a Porsche 911?" Abele : [Laughing] "You could do that yourself Peter but he will only give you that which will improve your life. If it will harm you in the future then he will not give it to you." Me : "What? He won't let me have what will harm me? If that's the case how come he let me marry the misses!" Abele : [Roaring Laughing] "Oh Peter, you really are a terrible man." Me : "I know, so about this Porsche."

Remain-er: "Ha! See, see, so much for your Brexit! Theresa May goes to India to try and get some trade and the Indians demand the UK accept more people. So much for taking control of the borders and getting rid of immigrants." Me : "Umm? Firstly, nobody said anything about totally stopping immigration. What the LEAVE campaign said was we should have control of our borders and therefore control over who comes in rather than the EU telling us who and how many we should take. Secondly India is talking about FEE PAYING students coming over to study with the proviso that they will be entitled to work in the UK for up to three years after they get their Degree etc. This would be in exchange for access to Indian markets such as the Insurance sector that is worth billions! Currently this is a closed sector to anyone outside of India so it would be a massive coup if we could tap into that and 10 or 20 thousand students who will pay to be here is a small price to pay." ...

User: "My PC has a black screen and says  something about an issue and I need to log on to the domain. It's been complaining on the banking site, something about updating Silverlight." Me : "OK, when did you last update?" User: "Update? I back up every..." Me : "No update, Windows update, Microsoft update." User: "Oh I never do that, Sarah looks after things like that on her machine but she's not here." Me : "What? Her machine? Never mind. Hold the power button in for me until the PC goes off." User: "Do you mean the button I push to make it come on?" Me : [While stabbing my upper thigh with a fountain pen] "Yes" Windows startup sound Me : "Ah, it's starting I can hear" User: "Well I got this far before, it's taking ages" Login Prompt sound Me : "Well there's the login, that was pretty quick imo. Put your password in." Sound of...

Customer: "Hi, our Director has not had any emails since Friday." Me : "OK, is everyone else receiving emails?" Customer: "Yes" Me : "And is this in the office or away from the office, on a mobile or laptop?"   Customer: "My director says in the office." Me : "And who is it?" Customer: "One of the Directors!" Me : "I need a name otherwise how do I know what to look for?" Customer: "Oh, OK........" #facepalm

We have a set routine in our house. I generally get up around 5:30am then My daughter Monique gets up at 5:45am and then my other daughter Hannah gets up at 6:00am This morning I heard Hannah in the bathroom and so shot out of bed to make the drinks figuring I'd slept in. I bring the girls a coffee at 5:45am but obviously, because I thought we were running late, I made them straight away. As I brought them up the stairs I said to Hannah "Your sister is working today isn't she?" Hannah retorted "Yeah, she must have set her alarm for six." After drinking my coffee I went for a wash and a shave and put my jogging kit on ready for my morning two laps of the park. Monique flew out her bedroom and said "Have the clocks gone forward? My iPhone and Ipad say 5:30am" Hannah and I both told her not to be so silly AND CARRIED ON getting ready, it really should have registered what Monique said. I left the house with my usual "Have a good day at wor...

When I moved to the Midlands many moons ago one of my first jobs was at a Tube Polishing company. Basically I stood at a machine and fed tubes down it all day every day till they were sparkly bright. The 'Gaffers' hated the machines being idle but sadly they had to be turned off so they could be cleaned of swarf every day, the thing could get clogged up or even possibly catch fire if not. The Gaffers would pace up and down looking at their watches yelling "Come on, come on!" Today we are fitting a graphics card to a PC at one of our customers, the conversation went as follows:   Customer: "So how long will it take? Me : "Umm? 15 - 20 minutes? Basically we have to shut it down, take the side panel off, remove the blanking plate, fit the card, put the side panel back on, start the PC, probably install the drivers. TBH it might not even take that long but I'm allowing for any problems." Customer: "Hmm? OK, we can live with 20 minutes I suppo...