Are you serious?

Colleague: "I'm trying to boot off the ROM drive can you see any activity back there?" Me: "Nope" Colleague: "I'm rebooting, anything now?" Me: "Nope" Colleague: "Hang on I had the USB plugged in the front before, lets try that. Any joy?" Me: "Nope" Colleague: "Oh, hang on, maybe I need to put the CD in?" Me: #facepalm

Email #1 "What is the screen definition of the three laptops you are selling?" Me: "What do you mean by 'definition'? the screen sizes are two @ 14.1" inches and one @ 15.6" inches." Email #2 "Not size, definition like 1260x800!" Me: "Oh you mean 'Resolution' here are the links to the spec sheets." Email #3 "Precisely" Aye? I knew I should have become a Gibbon trainer.

Why do people ring without the most basic of information? Customer: "Hi have you got an internal fan for a Dell Server?" Me: "Tower or Rackmount?" Customer: "Rackmount." Me: "Which model?" Customer: "Oh, I'll have to come back to you."

Customer: "I haven't had an email to say that its failed but I don't think the server backed up. The tape was out the drive and I don't know if that was because nobody pushed it in or if it was ejected?" Engineer: "Have you tried pushing the tape in to see what's on it?" Customer: "Oh" Welcome to Monday morning.

Customer: "Hi we bought a cheap laptop from you but it does not appear to have MS Office on it, do you by any chance have a copy of Office we can borrow?" Speechless

"I'm a friend of xyz" = "I want it really cheap or better still for free because I know xyz." "It says here delivery included, how much is the delivery?" = "I'll come and collect it and save myself the [Delivery cost] "

Me: "You need to make sure you are all running the same version of Office tbh." Customer: "Yeah but I bet you have to pay for the upgrades?" Am I really living an an alternate reality?

Prospect: "I've had your email so we must be on your mailing list?" (No shit Sherlock!) Me: "OK" Prospect:  "I'm interested in three of the Dell i5 machines, I see they are refurbished can you tell me the history of them and what has been done to them?" Me: "I'm afraid not......................" Most suppliers have between 20 - 20,000 units they come from all sorts of places and for all sorts of reasons. Some need new parts, some just need a clean and some are in pristine condition and need nothing doing to them. Basically I only trade in Grade A. The machines come into the supplier and are graded, tested and offered for sale with varying lengths of warranty. They don't have time to write a frigging Bio on every unit. If you want a brand spanking new PC then "Pay the fooking price" if you don't want to pay full whack accept what you are buying then.  Me: "So three units plus delivery plus VAT is £12

Customer: "Hi Pete, any chance you can look at our Internet for us? We could do with it being a bit faster!" Me: "Hang on a moment while I just turn your dial up a couple of notches." Happy New Year.