Showing posts from October, 2014

Halloween starts early.

This afternoon is definitely warming up for Halloween!

1: Guess who?
Customer: "I had a notification from SAGE for an upgrade but they also said some software patch had to be put on. Can you tell me if it's been done?"
Me: "By whom? Us or Sage"
Customer: "I don't know I've been off for two days."


2: I can't open it.
Customer: "I'm trying to do a scan and it says cannot open scanner."
Me: "But you only had a manufacturer engineer out yesterday and they was working fine?"
Customer: "I know."
Me: "Silly question, the scanner is on I take it?"
Customer: "Oops"

I give up.

3: Ghost in the machine.
Customer: "Is Dave there?"
Me: "No, he was with you?"
Customer: "Oh, they left a while ago. I need to know if they sent an email while they was here. XYZ says I sent an email cancelling some payments but I wasn't in at 1pm?"
Me: "With the greatest respect, why on earth…

Little man.

Me: "Your misses is fecking gorgeous, feck knows what she sees in you?"
Engineer: "I know, especially when I have such a small penis?"


Hit him with the clue stick!

So I've just taken a couple of days holiday from work to try and de-stress myself a bit.
My daughter needs a new headlamp for her car and given my job is management I rang the garage on Monday, my last day off, and asked them if they could do the work on the Tuesday, the following day.

"Sure, no problem."

Now boys and girls there's a reason I rang on the Monday, can you guess?

Came to work in my daughters car and my garage says the supplier hasn't got a headlight so the work cannot be done until Wednesday!


Pick one.

Customer: "Will they be installing the anti-virus?"
Me: "No?"
Customer: "Why not?"
Me: "You didn't order it, I sent you a quote."
Customer: "Oh, was I meant to choose one then?"


Point through the window.

Customer: "Hi Pete"
Me: "Hi Bill, I was just talking about you."
Customer: "In a nice way?"
Me: "Hmm?"
Customer: "Oh, what have I done now?"
Me: "I heard what you did, you wanna look on the Internet after getting me to spend my valuable time getting you the specs aye?"

[Sounds of uproarious laughter]

Customer: "Oh well, you've gotta play the game."
Me: "Not with me my son, I'm an Essex boy!"

[More laughter]

Customer: "Don't I know it!"
Me: "So here's the deal. When you buy it off the Internet rather than you thinking you're awesome coz you saved a few quid, when it goes wrong I'm gonna come round your place, sit outside your window with me ipod on laughing and pointing at your broken kit"

[More laughter]

Me: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "Well, one of our PC's is playing up and............."
Me: "I'm gonna come round your place, sit outside…

Taking Liberties

Customer: "Hi, it's XYZ here. We mapped some drives on Friday and one of our ladies has come in today and the drive we mapped as i: keeps dropping out."

How in Odin's name is this covered under maintenance and more importantly what makes you think we should fix something you did for free? #TakingLiberties

Free advice

Customer: "Hi Pete, can you tell me my browser type and number please?"
Me: "What?"
Customer: "The bank has asked me in relation to a problem."
Me: "They're asking you what browser you use."
Customer: "What's one of those?"
Me: "What?"
Customer: "What's a browser?"
Me: "It's what you go on the Internet with, do you use Explorer?"
Customer: "Yes"
Me: "Well there you go then."
Customer: "Oh? And what about the number?"
Me: "It will be on the about us"
Customer: "What's that then?"
Me: "Left click the cog, click on about, there's the number they want."
Customer: "Oh"
Me: "That'll be £65.00 please"
Customer: "Bwahahahaha"

Sorry, did I say something funny?

Be specific!

I'm hungry!

Me: "Can I have corned beef salad on a crusty baguette please?"
Assistant: "We don't have any crusty baguette's."
Me: "Crusty bread then?"
Assistant: "We don't have any crusty bread."
Me: "Well what's that there then?"
Assistant: "That's a Panini."
Me: "But it looks like a crusty baguette?"
Assistant: "Yes it does a bit."
Me: "I'll have that then."

Shoot me, shoot me now!