Showing posts from May, 2016


Customer: "The touchpad on my laptop has stopped working"
Me: "You'll have to get it to us so we can have a look."
Customer: "Well I can't at the minute and I need it."
Me: "OK, well you can plug a USB mouse in it, it'd work then."
Customer: "Oh no, I can't be doing with that."
Me: "Well you'll have to send it to us then, there's nothing I can do over the phone."
Customer: "Oh no! I can't do without it. I need it for my work."
Me: "Well as I say you can plug a mouse in."
Customer: "Oh I can't deal with this now, I'll ring you back."

Go figure?

A good shade

Engineer: "You know those glasses that made me look like a pedo? They don't look so bad now I've had my hair cut."
Me: "Yeah, not too bad now."
Engineer: "Once I get the beard tidied up they'll probably be OK."
Me: "Here let me have a go, although if I remember right they look terrible on me."
Engineer: "LOL, no mate. It's not a good look."
Me: "How dare  you! I have a face for shades!"
Engineer: "To be fair they're, £60 glasses and I've yet to see them look good on anyone!"


Sound of silence.

Me: "You put the phone down on me!"
Customer: "The line went dead?"
Me: "I'd stopped talking for a few seconds."
Customer: "Oh."

Wolves at breakfast.

Had a phone call from a Chamber of Commerce.

Chamber: "Hi, I noticed you were a member a long time ago and I wanted to run some of the new packages we have past you."

Me: "Can I just stop you there. The thing is imo membership only benefits the Chamber. I've been to some of your networking events such as breakfasts and they're all the same, they're all attended by people like myself hoping to sell. There's never anyone silly enough to attend who's looking to buy something. The thing is it would be like entering a pack of wolves for anyone looking to purchase a product or service, sure you get Directors at these events but they too are only there to promote their business and people of that stature are hardly likely to enter the bear pit of sales people."

Chamber: "Oh, OK then, thanks anyway."

I should point out the nice young lady was continually laughing through my insightful tirade."

The thing.

Had this phone conversation this morning.

Tracy: "Hi, Dawn says the thing for the monitor has been ordered, can you tell me when we will get it?"
Me: "The thing for the monitor?"
Tracy: "Yes, the thing you turn on."
Me: "Do you mean the PC?"
Tracy: "The thing you turn on that you can put CD's in."

Stifled giggles

Me: "You mean the computer, I'll send you a quote."

I didn't have the heart to ask if they wanted an Office package or Anti-Virus

Oh to be English.

Pleb: "That's great, really great!"
Me: "What is?"
Pleb: "That was the hospital on the phone. Looks like I will not be leaving early today because guess what, the machines broke! That's just great!"
Me: "I don't understand why you're annoyed? I think it's really professional that they rang you to let you know, you could have driven all the way out there to be turned away."
Pleb: "Mutter, mutter, mutter."

No wonder the Aussie's call us whinging poms.

The darkness.

Customer: "My computer comes on and then goes off."
Me: "Well that's descriptive?"
Me: "OK, when you power it on is there lights next to the button? Are they on?"
Customer: "Oh yeah, they're on, there's just nothing on the screen."
Me: "Is that on?"
Customer: "Yes"
Me: "OK, have a look on the back of the PC, see that blue block with what looks like screws either side. Push it in, in fact the screws need doing up"
Customer: "Ooh the computer has come on now!"
Me: Yeah, you need to stop jigging around. You've kicked the cable out, just sit still for pity's sake."

It's not funny really, we get hundreds of calls like that every day. At least do a little bit of investigation before picking the phone up to your support company. #facepalm

No Internet?

Laughing at other peoples mistakes is human nature.

The company I work for is also an independent ISP (Internet Service provider) I've honestly lost count of the amount of times people have inadvertently ceased their Broadband for two reasons:

1. Not bothering to spend a couple of hours to find out what the line is and what's on it.

2. (My favourite) Thinking they're clever and can save a few quid by cancelling a landmine.