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Showing posts from 2015

The lines gone dead?

So I was running through a list of options for a mixture of eight laptops a very good customer of mine wanted.

Me: "So I've got this one but I think the price might be too tasty for for you. It's a 15.6" screen like you want, i7, 1TB drive............I want £950.00 for it."

Deathly silence.............................a full minute later

Me: "Are you there?"
Customer: "I was just picking myself off the floor, and at that price it's a long way to fall!"

Me: Customer: "BWAHAHAHAHAHA"

I love the rapport I have with my customers.

Teaching the future.

For those of you who don't know, Monique is a school teacher for reception.

Lady Monique's class

Monique: "Now class, what did Mary ride on when she went to Bethlehem?"
4yrOld1: "On an elephant miss?"
Monique: "No, try again."
4yrOld2: "On a giraffe miss?"
Monique: "No, anyone else?"
4yrOld3: "On a lion miss?"
Monique: "No, think about riding."
4yrOld4: "On a monster miss?"

I love my daughters job.

You forgot to buy this!

Image
I was looking for a bag for my Lenovo X201 12.1 subnotebook and visited a site offering a right bargain! A messenger bag reduced from £49.99 to £4.99! Like most sites you have to create an account to purchase so I started the process and noticed you could pay via PayPal. When I clicked on that service the price jumped to £49.99 which immediately rang alarm bells in my head, why would it be £4.99 with a debit or Credit card and yet £49.99 with PayPal?

I decided not to continue the process and now they're emailing me which is interesting seeing as (I believe) I did not complete the signup process or agree to receive emails? I find their "We respect your right to privacy" and yet receiving emails confirms my opinion that something's iffy here.















Dear Peter

Thanks for shopping at #########

We noticed that you put some items in your shopping basket during your last visit to our site but you left without completing your order. If you had a problem with our checkout process or…

Negativity.

Colleague: "I've noticed you always start your requests on a negative? Why are you not positive? try staring with 'I know you'll have this, or You'll be able to do this."
Me: Sadly fifteen years of experience has taught me that I should expect a negative answer."
Colleague: "Well you'll be pleased to know that on this occasion your initial assessment was correct and I cannot get you out of the doggy doo doo."
Me: "Bwahahahaha"

You can't afford us.

As I get older and hopefully wiser I seem to get more and more depressed by people being in positions that clearly they either have no flair for or ultimately no idea at all what is required of them in their given role.  A cardinal sin in any business is to not have faith in your products or services, we shouldn't be na├»ve about it though, sometimes the standard or quality could be better but ultimately you need to focus on the positives when trying to promote yourself and what your company has to offer.
A far more outrageous sin is elitism! The idea that only a certain level of potential customers can afford to buy from you. While there is nothing wrong in targeting a specific audience focusing solely on one demographic is where your competition hoover's up all all the overlooked opportunities.

A-CustomersApprentice: "See the thing is I don't see the point of Facebook or Twitter for our company, LinkedIN possibly but most of these others are just personal interaction s…

Who gets to choose

So I took some leave this week and I'm (under orders) off to Birmingham tomorrow to visit the new shopping centre with Lady Cannon.

Wife: "Tell you what bubb, I'll read out the list of all the places to eat in the food hall and you can choose where we eat."
Me: "OK what about sushi? That's raw fish."
Wife: "Eww! I'm not eating that!"
Me: "OK what about the noodle bar?"
Wife: "Eww! I'm not eating that!"
Me: "Umm? What part of I can choose am I not understanding here?"

I'm not spam, honest!

Many moons ago, pretty much before email, there was a sales technique doing the rounds whereby you would send your sales literature to prospective customers BUT attach a post-it note to the front with something like "Suggest you look at his. B" or "This looks like it could be of use to us! M" the idea being the recipient would fall for the subterfuge of the post-it note and think it was from one of their colleagues and hopefully actually read the damn thing. The latest email trend doing the rounds are a reincarnation of that, generally they're "Further to my email last week" which of-course you never had or the "I'm trying to find X person." ruse.

From: rob [mailto:rob@remote-backup.com]
Sent: 22 October 2015 22:43
To: Peter Cannon
Subject: Your Ahsay Online Backup software price is going up.
Hello, I’m sorry that I don’t have a correct email address for Steve Owen. Will you please forward this?
Ahsay, the company who makes your Online Backu…

It's dead!

One of 'the lads' spoke to a customer who's ancient PC had died and gone to PC power supply heaven. I quoted a replacement and we received the customers old machine earlier this morning. Having signed for it I took it to our workshop:

Me: "So here's that PC from XYZ, the new one is in the stock room."

I then watched in disbelief as he started to attach network cable, keyboard and mouse, power cable and then press the on button.

Engineer: "It's dead!"
Me: "I know? So should you? You spoke with the customer who said it was dead! That's why you asked me to quote a new one. Are you with us today or what?"
Engineer: "I hate you."

Bwahahahaha

In a meeting.

Why on earth would you take time out of your business to visit us for two and a half hours then during that time inform us we lost a deal we'd quoted for yet continue to waffle on about nothing of any value?

This should work?

This was an email from an IT Manager to us earlier today.

Customer: "Do you have any idea how Sage Line 100 is installed on a new PC to access a central server installation? I have tried putting the shortcut from another computer with the full path to this machine, but it gives me missing DLL errors. It then says try reinstalling the program."

Because shortcuts are programs aren't they?

Seriously?

Here's one that epitomises the title of this blog.

Customer: "Can you quote me for some refurbished monitors please?"

I sent them a 'options' quote

Refurb 17" TFT £20.00
Refurb 19" TFT £25.00
Refurb 22" TFT £30.00

They sent an email back
Customer: "Can you quote me for four please?"

I replied "Which ones?"

They emailed back
Customer: "Whichever ones are available."

#facepalm

You can't hide.

Part of the training I give relates to calling people for data cleansing purposes. You get to speak to some very strange people at businesses with even stranger ideas about discussing their company! Today there was a prime example of the silliness of people and how I train my colleagues to overcome their blocking tactics.
Having gone through most of the address details.
Telesales: "And could I just take an email address for Malcolm?" Prospect: "We don't give out email addresses." Telesales: "OK, could I have your companies generic address then?" Prospect: "As I said we do not give out email addresses!" Telesales: "Oh OK, it's not a problem, I'll get the address from your website." Prospect: "What? Wait? What? Oh OK it's.........."
Nothing is secret anymore.

Personal Service.

As some of you may know I had the two big toe toenails removed last week.

Me: "Come and rub my feet will you?"
Engineer: "Fook off will I rub your manky feet!"
Me: "See, this is exactly the attitude I was talking about. Uncooperative and bolshy."

Any porn?

Customer: "Yes we'd like you to search his computer, we have reports he's looking at porn all day."
Engineer: "Umm? These 583 bookmarks and 1.5GB of images might answer that question."

Priceless.

Flower Power.

The misses has bought some artificial flowers, they were sat on the kitchen windowsill last night when I came home. They're Ok, mind you what would I know about flowers anyway? I wasn't convinced they looked right where they were but after many years I have learnt to keep quiet on such matters.

Wife: "Bubb, do these look OK on the telephone table?"
Me: "TBH I wasn't convinced they looked right on the windowsill anyway."
Wife: "So they're alright there then?"
Me: "Thing is, I liked the glass vase one that was on the telephone table."
Wife: "So you don't like it there?"
Me: "Tell you what leave it a day or so and see how we feel."
Wife: "I'll put it back in the kitchen."
Me: "OK if you like."
Wife: "You're so annoying! You moan you never get to choose stuff in the house and when I ask you about something you can't make your mind up!"
Me: "Ermm? I did say leave it a day or…

Why me?

Me: "How come it's always me who has to sort out the problems and complaints?"
Colleague: "Because you actually care about the customers."
Me: "I'm not sure if that's a compliment or a sad indictment?"

Playing Doctors and Nurses.

I went to the doctors on Tuesday, the last time I went was, ooh? Eight plus years ago? Now our doctors is one of those Health Centre jobbies, the type that has four or five practices in it. You take a seat and watch the banner display for your name. After a short while I saw "Peter C......... Room 5" I opened the door to a startled doctor seeing a patient.

Me: "Oooh sorry this is room 5?
Doctor: "Yes?"
Me: "Oh, it said Peter Cannon room five."
Doctor: "Peter Cotton"
Me: "Oops."

I had to go back again today for some blood tests. My appointment with the nurse was 08:50 so I arrived at a quarter to and was told to take a seat outside room 5. I waited and waited and waited and then noticed that there was also a banner display for the nurses, damn! I should have watched that? I bet the nurse is waiting in there for me? So I went and knocked the door, opened it, and there was some poor woman with her arm out her top having bloods taken.

Me: &q…

Hole Filling.

Yet again we're having some work done at Castle Cannon, part of which is painting the doors.

Wife: "You've put the rings back on the door handles!"
Me: "Yes, the paints dry."
Wife: "But they need doing again, look you can still see the old screw holes!"
Me: "You're joking? How'd that happen? I'll have to sand that paint off, fill them again and then we'll have to paint again."
Wife: "Really?"
Me: "Yes really. I have no idea what went on there? All I can think is the filler retracted for some reason but I've not seen that before?"

Not best pleased I went back to watching some Business Report. Ten minutes later.

Wife: "I think it might have been me with the filler you know."
Me: "How come?"
Wife: "I scraped them, I think I might have pulled some out."
Me: "Why would you scrape them? You sand filler!"
Wife: "I'm in trouble aren't I?"
Me: "No comment.&q…

It's not about blame.

Webmaster: "So what you're really saying is you've broken it?"
Me: "Listen, it's not about Ooo did what..."
Webmaster: "So I was right, you did break it?"
Me: "I think we should focus on the solution to the problem..."
Webmaster: "You broke it and you want me to fix it."
Me: "If by fix it you mean restore the image you have, then yes."
Webmaster: "You broke it."
Me: "I'm telling my mum!"

Orrible.

Engineer: "Pete, the van has a puncture."
Me: "Bwahahaha"
Engineer: "Where's the spare wheel?"
Me: "Bwahahaha"
Engineer: "Seriously, where's the spare wheel?"
Me: "Under the back, Bwahahahaha"

A little while later.

Engineer: "I've found the nut in the back to release the wheel holder, only one problem, I don't have anything to undo the nut!"
Me: "Bwahahahaha."
Engineer: "You're an orrible caaant!"

On Account

Me: "Can I ask, is the reason you do not wish to proceed due to costs?"
Prospect: "That and the fact you asked for payment before delivery of the goods. We do not pay for goods before we get them."

That's a novel idea, I must try that with Amazon.

It's how you say it.

Me: "So what sort of server are you looking for?"
Prospect: "Well I have an example here, an HP.......... with Windows Server two O one two"
Me: "You mean Server 2012?"
Prospect: "Oh"

Shoot me, shoot me now!

The responsibility grenade.

That moment when you dig out a maintenance contract and find it was last updated in 2000!

Me: "Remind me again who is responsible for reviewing contracts?"
A-another: "Well it's not my customer!"
Me: "That's an interesting concept, I was under the impression customers are everyone's responsibility?"

Pete the bastard

Had a phone call form a guy trying to sell to us.

Caller: "Hi, can I speak to xyz please regarding our fantastic whizzo solution?"
Me: "I'm afraid he's out for the day but maybe I can help you?"
Caller: "Oh, can I ask who I'm speaking to?"
Me: "No."
Caller: "No?"
Me: "No"

That wasn't on your crib sheet was it? :-D

Too late.

Wife: "Do you want anything from the town today Bubb?"
Me: "Ermm? Kylie Minogue?"
Wife: "Shame, she's only there on a Tuesday."

Damn!

Summer dress

Earlier this morning the wife announced she would be putting a dress on today.

Wife: "What do you  think bubb?"
Me: "Very nice, it makes a change to see you in a dress, I was beginning to think I was married to a bloke!"

Even the dog laughed ☺

How old?

A female customer of mine.

Customer: "Hi Pete, we need a couple of replacement computers."
Me: "OK any idea what you have now?"
Customer: [After some guidance] "They're P4 2.66 with 1GB of memory."
Me: "I'm coming up there and I'm going to spank you, no seriously I am! Is there a little man at the back shovelling coal in the back of them? You do know Shakespeare wrote his plays on them!"
Customer: [Laughing uncontrollably] "Well they still work."
Me: "Yeah right , that's why you're replacing them. You do know we've gone metric as well don't you?"

More uproarious laughter.

Make em smile.

Me: "Actually I was surprised you placed another order, you did say you wouldn't be a regular buyer?"Customer: "To be truthful your style of customer treatment kept your name uppermost in my mind." Me: "Ah, so effectively you came back for more just in case you'd dreamt it? Customer: [Laughing uncontrollably] "Pretty much, yes."
If you can make em laugh you've got em by the short and curlys. :-)

Lottery win

Hannah: "Hey dad I won £20 on the Lotto!"
Monique: "I won £10"
Me: "I didn't win anything with my two tickets but hey I won the lottery of life with my beautiful wife and two beautiful daughters."
Wife: "Your dad's after something"

O_o

Shrug.

Customer: "Pete, why has the hard drive failed?"
Me: "I have no idea, I know lets ask Cortana"

Keywords: 'Plane' and 'Head' :-(

Who's the boss?

It's the wife's birthday next month.

Wife: "Yes your dad's off that week."
Daughter: "But you don't want to be doing DIY on your birthday?"
Wife: "I'm not but you're dad is!"

O_o

Do you know what you're doing?

B&Q's (diy.com) 8:40am

Me: "Can you move out the way love so I can scan these items."
Wife: "I need to watch you with these you can never seem to work them!"
Me: o_O

Three items in.

Me: "Bubb what are you doing? Don't touch anything, you can't pick anything up till I've finished!"
Wife: "Don't talk rubbish."

Beep Beep Beep
[PLEASE WAIT FOR AN ASSISTANT! ITEM REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA!]

Me: "I told you not to touch it."

A minute or so later the misses fed the machine with £20 notes.

Me: "Bubb where you going?"
Wife: "Tsk I have my change."
Me: "Wait for your notes out the bottom."

Out popped a £5 note, seems I do know how to work them? :-D

Misrepresentation

This just in from one of my suppliers

Supplier: "You're not gonna believe this Pete, had one of my customers ring me up and he was going mental down the phone because the 8300 I sold him had PS2 ports!"
Me: "But it has USB ports on the back doesn't it?"
Supplier: "Yeah  four of them."
Me: "So what's the problem?"
Supplier: "He says he doesn't need PS2 and that I've miss-sold to him."

I hate him already and I don't even know who the so called customer is.

These two?

Scene 1
A well known store full of freezers.

Customer: "How much are the grapes?"
Checkout: "They're two for £3 or £1.87 each"
Customer: "But I have two items?"
Checkout: "The grapes are two for £3"
Customer: "Yes, that's right, two for three pounds."
Me: [With only an hour for lunch] The grapes are three pound if you buy two punnet's of them, it's not £3 for any old two items in the store!"
Customer: "Oh"

How do I find these people? Is it just me?

Time is irrelevant.

Caller: "Hi, can I speak with xyz please."
Me: I'm afraid they work till 3pm"
Caller: "Oh, so you can't put me through?"
Me: "They work till 3pm and it is now 3:27pm sooo"
Caller: "Oh, I thought they worked from home, I was hoping you could put me through."
Me: "They do work from home, they finish at 3pm"

Sheesh how hard is that?

Time is money.

So I listened to one of my colleagues (Who is not clued up on websites) struggle with a call and offered to take it over.

Me: "Hi xyz, so this is not difficult. Go to your current hosting company and ask them for a backup of your website. They will more than likely zip this up for you and offer you a URL for you/us to download it from."
Prospect: "You should be doing this! If I swap banks they do it all for me!"
Me: "We're not a bank though? Also, you'd have to get in touch with them anyway to give us permission soooo if you are contacting them it's no extra to ask them for a backup?"
Prospect: "LOOK! I've already wasted half an hour of my day on this!"
Me: "So have I."

I do so love people who complain about things they've not even paid for.

Unbelievable.

Prospect: "Hi, you've given us several quotes and we will possibly be going with you in the future but we have a problem in that we are being attacked and someone is trying to hack our system."
Me: "Oooookay"
Prospect: "I need some help, we can pay by the way. The thing is our anti-virus picked up the port scan and our firewall is blocking it but it's a crappy firewall I need to speak with someone now."
Me: "Um? Antivirus does not detect port scans? However, lets get hold of xyz to speak with you and we'll worry about payments in a bit"
Prospect: "Can I just say I'm not paying anything unless you can demonstrate the advice will work."


So you're not a customer.You're not going to move forward on the quotes we've given you for a fair bit.You want free help/advice.

There is a point to homework.

Just had a call from an SEO company, you know the type "Ooh we can optimise your site and get you way up in the rankings"

SEO: "Hi, can I speak with xyz?"
Me: "You can speak with me, how can I help you."
SEO: "It's about your website"
Me: "What about our website."
SEO: "We are a website optimisation company and we can improve your rankings on Google...."
Me: "Can I stop you there, have you looked at our website?"

silence

Me: "If you had you would have seen we are an IT solutions provider, also we are an independent ISP."
SEO: "Oh, so you'd do that yourselves then?"

Well Duh!

Dunno mate.

And this is why City Link has gone bust! Just had one of their competitors drop off two parcels, one of the boxes was damaged with a hole in it.

Me: "Oh, what's happened here?"
Driver: [Chewing gum] "Dunno mate, it was like that on the van."

#WhoGivesA

Don't worry I'm good for it.

Prospect: "Hi Pete, I was given your details buy your customer xxyz, I was hoping you can do something similar to this?"

The link was to a well known electrical outlet in the UK offering a 24" screen and an incredible speck'd machine for the ridiculous sum of £499

Me: "I'm afraid there is no way I can match the prices of a multi-million pound organisation."

It then transpired that the machine was 'Home edition' which was no good for his domain set-up so I offered to quote him an alternative but forewarned him it was not going to be an "El Cheapo" price. I quoted him a really nice open boxed Dell with a 21" monitor and surprisingly only a couple of hundred more that the sale item he asked me about.

Prospect: "Does the monitor have speakers?"
Me: "Sadly not but I can do some reasonable ones for £6.00"
Prospect: "How about I don't have the keyboard and mouse and you give me the speakers?"
Me: "It come…