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Showing posts from 2016

Female Logic

Wife: "Don't forget it's Friday so it's, get it yourself night!"

Me: "OK Bubb."

Two minutes later.

Wife: "I'll nip to Tescos and get one of their meals for two if you like?"

Me: "OK Bubb."

#GoFigure

I'll give you a way out.

Prospect: "Hi, I'm interested in the 8470p you're offering. Do you sell to individuals?"

Me: "Certainly, however, I should remind you that those prices are EX VAT."

[Brief silence]

Prospect: "Umm? That's OK. Do we have an account with you?"

Me: "Sadly not. TBH even if you did it through the company you'd have to pay by debit or Baacs for the first few orders."


Prospect: "Hmm? Does it have USB 3.0?"

Me: "2.0 only I'm afraid."

Prospect: "Ah, now see, that could be a deal breaker."

Me: "Really? tell you what, why not go and have a think about it and ring me back?"

Prospect: "Yeah, I'll do that I think."

Let me just decode that for you.
Prospect: "Phwoah that looks cheap!"
Prospect: "Ooh maybe it's not as cheap as I thought?"
Prospect: "Maybe I can get work to pay the VAT?"
Prospect: "How do I get out of this?"
Prospect: "Brilliant he's …

How rude!

Caller: [Abruptly] "Can I speak to Dave please!"

Me: "Who's calling?"

Caller: "AXY & Co"

Me: "OK, that's the company, I was actually after your name."

Caller: "Tsk, it's Debbie!"

Me: "Ah, thank you. I'll just see if he's available."

Some people really are pig ignorant.

Ask a question

Colleague: "I've had an inquiry for maintenance of some PC's but one of them is running XP which in turn is operating a laser cutter."

Me: "We wouldn't support the XP OS but we'll support the hardware."

Colleague: "Well I said we wouldn't support XP but he didn't seem worried about the price. He did want to know how we could support him if he had a problem."

Me: "Such as? What sort of problem? Is he talking about the XP or the hardware?"

Colleague: "Well he said he'd had two other company's out but they couldn't support him."

Me: "More like they wouldn't. So as I said, what is this 'problem' that he's talking about?"

Five minutes of waffle later.

Colleague: "I don't know."

Me: "Thing is you do this a lot. Let me put it into context for you. If you went to  the doctor and said "I'm ill" the doctor is hardly likely to just give you a load of drugs are …

Porsche

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One of my customers is a religious organisation, I think they're Pentecostal gospel or something like that. I do like to play them up a bit when I speak to them, given they've known me for coming up to 20 years I can get away with it.

Me: "Abele-eeeeeeeee, how are you today?"


Abele: "Very good Peter, how are you?"

Me: "Not too bad although I was wondering if you could have a word with the big man upstairs and get me a Porsche 911?"

Abele: [Laughing] "You could do that yourself Peter but he will only give you that which will improve your life. If it will harm you in the future then he will not give it to you."

Me: "What? He won't let me have what will harm me? If that's the case how come he let me marry the misses!"

Abele: [Roaring Laughing] "Oh Peter, you really are a terrible man."

Me: "I know, so about this Porsche."


Take more Indians

Remain-er: "Ha! See, see, so much for your Brexit! Theresa May goes to India to try and get some trade and the Indians demand the UK accept more people. So much for taking control of the borders and getting rid of immigrants."

Me: "Umm? Firstly, nobody said anything about totally stopping immigration. What the LEAVE campaign said was we should have control of our borders and therefore control over who comes in rather than the EU telling us who and how many we should take. Secondly India is talking about FEE PAYING students coming over to study with the proviso that they will be entitled to work in the UK for up to three years after they get their Degree etc. This would be in exchange for access to Indian markets such as the Insurance sector that is worth billions! Currently this is a closed sector to anyone outside of India so it would be a massive coup if we could tap into that and 10 or 20 thousand students who will pay to be here is a small price to pay."

Remain-e…

Reboot is your friend.

User: "My PC has a black screen and says  something about an issue and I need to log on to the domain. It's been complaining on the banking site, something about updating Silverlight."

Me: "OK, when did you last update?"

User: "Update? I back up every..."

Me: "No update, Windows update, Microsoft update."

User: "Oh I never do that, Sarah looks after things like that on her machine but she's not here."

Me: "What? Her machine? Never mind. Hold the power button in for me until the PC goes off."

User: "Do you mean the button I push to make it come on?"

Me: [While stabbing my upper thigh with a fountain pen] "Yes"

Windows startup sound

Me: "Ah, it's starting I can hear"

User: "Well I got this far before, it's taking ages"

Login Prompt sound

Me: "Well there's the login, that was pretty quick imo. Put your password in."

Sound of login

User: "Well that's working now! Wh…

In Awe.

Customer: "Hi, our Director has not had any emails since Friday."

Me: "OK, is everyone else receiving emails?"

Customer: "Yes"

Me: "And is this in the office or away from the office, on a mobile or laptop?"

Customer: "My director says in the office."

Me: "And who is it?"

Customer: "One of the Directors!"

Me: "I need a name otherwise how do I know what to look for?"

Customer: "Oh, OK........"

#facepalm

Early to bed.....

We have a set routine in our house. I generally get up around 5:30am then My daughter Monique gets up at 5:45am and then my other daughter Hannah gets up at 6:00am

This morning I heard Hannah in the bathroom and so shot out of bed to make the drinks figuring I'd slept in. I bring the girls a coffee at 5:45am but obviously, because I thought we were running late, I made them straight away. As I brought them up the stairs I said to Hannah "Your sister is working today isn't she?" Hannah retorted "Yeah, she must have set her alarm for six."

After drinking my coffee I went for a wash and a shave and put my jogging kit on ready for my morning two laps of the park. Monique flew out her bedroom and said "Have the clocks gone forward? My iPhone and Ipad say 5:30am" Hannah and I both told her not to be so silly AND CARRIED ON getting ready, it really should have registered what Monique said.

I left the house with my usual "Have a good day at work girl…

Ramming Speed! - Ben Hur

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When I moved to the Midlands many moons ago one of my first jobs was at a Tube Polishing company. Basically I stood at a machine and fed tubes down it all day every day till they were sparkly bright. The 'Gaffers' hated the machines being idle but sadly they had to be turned off so they could be cleaned of swarf every day, the thing could get clogged up or even possibly catch fire if not. The Gaffers would pace up and down looking at their watches yelling "Come on, come on!"

Today we are fitting a graphics card to a PC at one of our customers, the conversation went as follows:


Customer: "So how long will it take?

Me: "Umm? 15 - 20 minutes? Basically we have to shut it down, take the side panel off, remove the blanking plate, fit the card, put the side panel back on, start the PC, probably install the drivers. TBH it might not even take that long but I'm allowing for any problems."

Customer: "Hmm? OK, we can live with 20 minutes I suppose?"




Ha…

The clues in the question.

Developer: "Hi Pete, can you get the CNAME changed to point to the new hosting location for the website?"

Me: "Sure but can I ask a question, how come you've not asked us to host the site?"

Developer: "Oh, if I'd know you did hosting I would have come to you."

So let me get this straight, you create websites for people, you should then at least understand how domain names tie into websites and email so it goes without saying if we host the domain then it's pretty obvious we do website hosting isn't it Einstein?


There's always someone better.

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So I've been flogging my guts out every day walking and swimming. After a lunchtime walk I had a conversation with our receptionist who has been with us about eight months now.



Samantha: "All this walking, maybe you should start walking to work?"

Me: "Funny you should say that, It's about seven miles to my house by car but there's a public footpath that's about four mile. I was thinking of maybe getting a bike."


Samantha: "Is that along the canal?"

Me: "Well the disused one, yes. But it looks muddy in places?"


Samantha: "I used to run to Walsall along that."

Me: "Run to Walsall? From Cheslyn Hay?"

Samantha: "Yes"

Me: "How long did that take?"

Samantha: "Three hours."

Me: "Get lost run to Walsall."

Samantha: "Pete, I used to do long distance running. I used to run for the county"

Me: "Get lost and don't speak to me, I'm closing me door"

Samantha: "Ahah…

Swimming

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The showers of my local Leisure Centre

Woman: "Well that's my 60 lengths done in 30 minutes."

Me: "Actually I'm really happy with my 50 lengths in 50 minutes."

At that point the 187 year old woman shuffled out the shower.

Are you listening to me?

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Idiot: "Hello, this is <unintelligible> from HP. Can you tell me the person responsible for purchasing toner cartridges in your organisation?"

Me: "We don't purchase them."

OK, that's not strictly true. We do purchase them, now and again, from suppliers but not from distribution.

Idiot: "OK, can you tell me who's in charge of purchasing them then please?"

Me: "Aye? How can there be anyone in charge of purchasing them if, as I've already said, we don't purchase them?"

Click, Brrrrrrrrrrrr

Me: "Hello?"

Are you listening to me?

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Idiot: "Hello, this is <unintelligible> from HP. Can you tell me the person responsible for purchasing toner cartridges in your organisation?"

Me: "We don't purchase them."

OK, that's not strictly true. We do purchase them, now and again, from suppliers but not from distribution.

Idiot: "OK, can you tell me who's in charge of purchasing them then please?"

Me: "Aye? How can there be anyone in charge of purchasing them if, as I've already said, we don't purchase them?"

Click, Brrrrrrrrrrrr

Me: "Hello?"

Oi, Waterboy!

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I went to the doctors last week because my legs and feet are swelling up like balloons. As expected they took bloods, however I did say "Don't bother with the cholesterol, I know it's through the roof." the reason they were taking bloods was to make sure my kidneys could withstand the water tablets I was hoping to get.




last night I went back for the results.

Nurse: "Ah Peter, your here to talk about your cholesterol?"
Me: "Erm? No."
Nurse: "Oh? You had some bloods taken last month?"
Me: "Erm? No, last week."
Nurse: "Why are you here?"
Me: "For my results?"
Nurse: "What was you tested for? Maybe I should look at the notes."
Well duh!
Me: "I was tested to make sure water tablets didn't kill me. My legs and feet are up and down like yoyo's"
Nurse: "Ah, well your heart is fine, your liver is fine and your kidneys are fine, however your cholesterol has increased."
Me: "Yes, well, a…

We're skint, or bad payers.

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I received a telephone call out the blue from a company supposedly based in Buckinghamshire, at least that's what their website says.

Caller:"Hi, I got your details from your website, I understand you provide computers. Do you do parts as well?"

Me: "Yes we do."

Caller:"OK, I'll send you a list of our requirements, can you quote me please?"

Me:"Certainly."

An email arrived asking for some branded laptops, base units and CPU's which I duly quoted. A little while later I received an email back.

Caller-Email: "Thanks for the quote, I've spoken to our accounts department and your prices are acceptable. They have asked if this order could be on a 30 day credit account?"

Me-Email: "Sadly we will require full payment prior to order. This is because we have no trading history with each other. I'm confident once we have processed a few transactions with each other an 'invoice' relationship could be established."

I…

Touchy.

Customer: "The touchpad on my laptop has stopped working"
Me: "You'll have to get it to us so we can have a look."
Customer: "Well I can't at the minute and I need it."
Me: "OK, well you can plug a USB mouse in it, it'd work then."
Customer: "Oh no, I can't be doing with that."
Me: "Well you'll have to send it to us then, there's nothing I can do over the phone."
Customer: "Oh no! I can't do without it. I need it for my work."
Me: "Well as I say you can plug a mouse in."
Customer: "Oh I can't deal with this now, I'll ring you back."

Go figure?

A good shade

Engineer: "You know those glasses that made me look like a pedo? They don't look so bad now I've had my hair cut."
Me: "Yeah, not too bad now."
Engineer: "Once I get the beard tidied up they'll probably be OK."
Me: "Here let me have a go, although if I remember right they look terrible on me."
Engineer: "LOL, no mate. It's not a good look."
Me: "How dare  you! I have a face for shades!"
Engineer: "To be fair they're, £60 glasses and I've yet to see them look good on anyone!"

BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Sound of silence.

Me: "You put the phone down on me!"
Customer: "The line went dead?"
Me: "I'd stopped talking for a few seconds."
Customer: "Oh."

Wolves at breakfast.

Had a phone call from a Chamber of Commerce.

Chamber: "Hi, I noticed you were a member a long time ago and I wanted to run some of the new packages we have past you."

Me: "Can I just stop you there. The thing is imo membership only benefits the Chamber. I've been to some of your networking events such as breakfasts and they're all the same, they're all attended by people like myself hoping to sell. There's never anyone silly enough to attend who's looking to buy something. The thing is it would be like entering a pack of wolves for anyone looking to purchase a product or service, sure you get Directors at these events but they too are only there to promote their business and people of that stature are hardly likely to enter the bear pit of sales people."

Chamber: "Oh, OK then, thanks anyway."

I should point out the nice young lady was continually laughing through my insightful tirade."

The thing.

Had this phone conversation this morning.

Tracy: "Hi, Dawn says the thing for the monitor has been ordered, can you tell me when we will get it?"
Me: "The thing for the monitor?"
Tracy: "Yes, the thing you turn on."
Me: "Do you mean the PC?"
Tracy: "The thing you turn on that you can put CD's in."

Stifled giggles

Me: "You mean the computer, I'll send you a quote."

I didn't have the heart to ask if they wanted an Office package or Anti-Virus

Oh to be English.

Pleb: "That's great, really great!"
Me: "What is?"
Pleb: "That was the hospital on the phone. Looks like I will not be leaving early today because guess what, the machines broke! That's just great!"
Me: "I don't understand why you're annoyed? I think it's really professional that they rang you to let you know, you could have driven all the way out there to be turned away."
Pleb: "Mutter, mutter, mutter."

No wonder the Aussie's call us whinging poms.

The darkness.

Customer: "My computer comes on and then goes off."
Me: "Well that's descriptive?"
(Laughter)
Me: "OK, when you power it on is there lights next to the button? Are they on?"
Customer: "Oh yeah, they're on, there's just nothing on the screen."
Me: "Is that on?"
Customer: "Yes"
Me: "OK, have a look on the back of the PC, see that blue block with what looks like screws either side. Push it in, in fact the screws need doing up"
Customer: "Ooh the computer has come on now!"
Me: Yeah, you need to stop jigging around. You've kicked the cable out, just sit still for pity's sake."
(Laughter)

It's not funny really, we get hundreds of calls like that every day. At least do a little bit of investigation before picking the phone up to your support company. #facepalm

No Internet?

Laughing at other peoples mistakes is human nature.

The company I work for is also an independent ISP (Internet Service provider) I've honestly lost count of the amount of times people have inadvertently ceased their Broadband for two reasons:

1. Not bothering to spend a couple of hours to find out what the line is and what's on it.

2. (My favourite) Thinking they're clever and can save a few quid by cancelling a landmine.

The pool is closed.

So I'm going to Malta in a couple of months time, I booked through a company that's more famous for burring you in the UK. TBH the whole process has been a nightmare, what with airports being changed, pre flight hotel being booked wrong, seriously, it takes a good three or four minutes to read all the notes associated with our booking and we've not even gone yet!

Friday I came home to a distraught wife, "There's a problem with the hotel, something about building work, they're writing to us." Are they? Well I'm still going down there.

Rep: "Yes Mr Cannon, unfortunately the work has overrun so the roof top pool, jacuzzi and terrace restaurant is closed."

Me: "Closed? CLOSED? it's no longer there! They ripped the roof off to build two extra storeys to the place!"

Rep: "As I say, the work has overrun."

Me: "Somebody must have known about this? You just don't decided to put two extra storeys on a hotel over a weekend.&…

Responsibility

Customer: "I keep getting this filth! I've complained loads of times to your support guys and these spam emails, some of them with porn in, keep getting through!"

Me: "Really?"

Customer: "Yes, I spoke to Dave this morning and he told me to forward them to your spam reporting email address but they're still getting through! What are you guys playing at? I thought you filtered spam?"

Me: "We do."

Customer: "Well it's clearly crap because there's lots getting through!"

Me: "Forward one to me and I'll look into it personally."

10 minutes later

Me: "These spam emails you keep getting, it's nothing to do with us, we don't host your emails! They're hosted with CheepoPaPa that internationally acclaimed business grade hosting company for 37p every three years."

Customer: "But you do our IT support?"

Not your emails we don't mush.

Piggy in the middle

Director: "Hi can you change AB's password please? We need to get into her machine."

20 minutes later

AB: "I can't get into my machine?
Me: "Yes, Samantha asked us to change your password."
AB: "Why? What for?"
Me: "Maybe you should ask Samantha?"

click, brrrrrrrrr

That awkward moment.

So the Cannon Clan went to an Italian styled eatery last night. I ordered a strange meal from the menu, chicken stuffed with salami served with spaghetti, broccoli, green beans and peas. Monique ordered a 'well done' steak with chips.

As I ate some chicken I thought "This is burnt!" and sure enough along the bottom was a large burnt area as well as the edges of the rolled chicken breast. Monique then asked me to taste her steak. "It's really, badly burnt dad." it was, it was so bad it was like eating charcoal.

We asked to speak with the manager who, for purposes of this post, I need to point out was black.

Me: "Hi, this chicken is burnt, the problem when it's burnt is it permeates the food."
Manager: "Oh dear."
Me: "Sadly that's not all. While my daughter did order a 'well done' steak, as you can see it's also burnt, in fact it's so burnt it's black."
Manager: "What's wrong with the colour bla…

Mind Reader

I can read women's thoughts I discovered this morning. Monique was showing her sister Hannah her new iWatch.

Monique: "If I put my hand down it goes to sleep and when I lift my hand up it wakes up!"

Hannah: "Now that's cool!"

By the look on Hannah's beaming face I guess she will be down Currys Electrical at the weekend?

That's a lot of Euro's.

I'm going to Malta in a few months time so it's off to all the Bureau de change's.

Me: "Hello there, how many Euro's can I get for £400.00 please?"
Cashier: "121"
Me: "Wow €1210.00? I'll have some of that!"
Cashier: "No, that's the rate, 121"
Me: "What part of how many can I get did you not understand?"

What is this latest trend of ignoring the actual question you asked and giving the answer you didn't ask for?

Which cable?

Customer: "Hi I can't get on the Internet and the icon says no network connection."
Colleague: "Can you check the network cable for me."
Customer: "Ah, we have an office dog and the cable seems to be chewed."
Colleague: "OK borrow another cable out of another PC for a minute and see if that fixes it."

Sounds of people in the background screaming "I've gone down!"

Customer: "No, that's still not working"
Colleague: "You've taken the server cable!"

#Facepalm

BBC News: Steel Crises: Port Talbot

BBC News: Steel Crises: Port Talbot

 The BBC had two steel workers on this morning.

Naga Munchetty: "And can I ask what feelings are like in the community this morning?"

Just fooking peachy!

Price Tag

The wife was wandering around with a price tag label hanging out the back of her dressing gown this morning.

Daughter: "Have a look how much she costs dad."
Me: "Whatever it is I can't afford it."

#TaDa

I'm an expert

Expert: "Hi, I'm building a new website, can you give me the login details for the CPanel?"
Me: "We do not use CPanel, I'll get you the FTP details."
Expert: "FTP details?"
Me: "Yes, you do know FTP don't you?"
Expert: "Of course I've heard of FTP."
Me: "With the greatest respect that's not what I asked, I asked if you knew it as in how to use it?"
Expert: "No I've never used it, I've never had to."
Me: "Ah, Well it's dead easy although if you're unsure I can upload a copy of Wordpress for you then give you the MySQL details and you can install it yourself."
Expert: "I'm not sure I know what you mean?"
Me: "You do know how to install Wordpress don't you?"
Expert: "Yes! I've done it hundreds of times!!"
Me: "I mean installed it from the browser, gave the MySQL details and set the password?"
Expert: "What? I've always used H…

I need help.

Last week I spent over an hour fixing someones Zencart installation for them. I was kind of suckered into doing this for free even though they themselves had broken it.

(Abridged and prices excluded.)

09:00
Customer Email: "Thank you for fixing the site last week, I'm still having problems with the plugin. Can you help me?"

09:10
Me Email: "I'm always willing to help. I can look at it but I'll need to invoice you on an hourly basis. I can also offer you training for either a full or half day rate. Alternatively here are the links to the ZenCart site and also the author of the plugin. "

09:30
Customer Email: "I don't need any training, I just need to know how to adjust the values on the plugin. I'll have a look at the Zencart forum when I have a minute."

Yeah, you do that.

What's wrong?

An external support company rang on behalf of one of our customers.

Support: "Joan cannot log into the email account you set up for her, can you tell me what problems she is likely to have?"
Me: "What error message is she getting?"

Support: "I have no idea."
Me: "Well with the greatest respect how can I tell you what problems she is likely to have when I don't know what is wrong?"

I kid you not!

Excuse No. 3725

How to get out of something, excuse No. 3725

"Can you have a word with John, he's going on about the configuration and I've never been to that site so I don't know the setup."

Erm? You're an IT Engineer! You should know how to manipulate systems, the location is irrelevant!

Annoying question

Customer: "Can I speak to Dave please?"

Me: "I'm afraid I've just put a call through to him."

Customer: "Any idea how long he will be?"

Me: "How the fook would I know? Do I look like pigging 'Mesmo the psychic reader'? I know, why don't I jump in my time machine, nip forward an hour or so, ask Dave how long he was on the phone for, nip back and tell you how long he will be. Maybe I can get the answer from the Tarot cards or ancient runes?"

Me: "I'm sorry I have no idea.

No burgers here.

So I went to #crufts2016 on Saturday, for those who have never been, it's really busy and the venue is huge! Lots of people bring their own food as to be honest the food is pretty expensive there. By midday I was starving and the wife and I queued up at a Pie & Mash stall.

Me: "I'm going to have pie, mash and plenty of liquor."
Wife: "Do you want a burger?"
Me: "Ooh, maybe I do want a burger, what ones have they got?"
Wife: "They don't do burgers here just pie & mash."
Me: "WTF! Why are you asking me if I want a burger then?"

I swear she's a secret drinker, or on drugs maybe? ;-)

Paperwork

That moment when a BT engineer rings you from site and tells you he can't find the line for the number you registered a fault against and that the router is plugged into a line but for a totally different number.

BT Engineer: "I'm sorry but you'll have to raise a new fault for the new number."

:'(

Wadda you mean you charge?

Customer: "Can you give me the Wordpress login details?"
Me: "You don't have a Wordpress site? In fact you do not have a website."
Customer: "I know that's what I'm asking for."
Me: "Sorry?"
Customer: "I want you to put the Wordpress software on so we can have a website."
Me: "Umm? It's not as simple as that and plus we would charge for doing that."
Customer: "Oh no, no no, I just want you to put the software on for our website."
Me: "You do not have a website, you have webhosting with us, but no website has been uploaded, you'll need to put something like Wordpress on the webhosting."
Customer: "Well I'm not paying for that!"
Me: "Tell you what, I'll get you the FTP details and database name and you can install it yourself."
Customer: "So you won't put the software on then?"
Me: "Yes, I can, but it is chargeable. Shall I just send you the FTP details…

Female Equality

Oh God, Oh God.

Felt really bad as I stood and watched our female IT Engineer apprentice drag a box with two PC's through the building into our workshop.

Apprentice: "I'm dragging it because I can't lift it."
Me: "Ah, ooh, ermm? Well thing is, that's part of the job and ermm?"
Apprentice: "It's OK, I don't mind."

Yeah but my conscience does! :-(

Picky

So we had to have a new cooker at home. It was delivered this morning at around 7:30am and took me a couple of minutes to wire it up.

Wife: "Hmm? The hob rings don't immediately glow red like the old one?"
Me: "But do they come on?
Wife: "Yes, just not instant like the old one."
Me: "Tell you what, I'll nip outside and drag the broken one back in shall I?"

#sigh

Aye?

Caller: "Can I speak to xyz please?"

short pause

Me: "I'm afraid I'm getting no answer from his extension, can I take a message?"
Caller: "It's OK, we can sort this out on-line."
Me: "Sorry?"
Caller: "We can sort this out over the Internet."
Me: "I'm afraid you've lost me, I don't understand what you are saying?"
Caller: "I can send him an email."

FFS!