Showing posts from January, 2013


Customer: "We had a power cut last night and it seems like the server re-booted, there's a message on the screen to press F1 to continue, should I press it?"
Me: "Lets be daring and press it."
Customer: "Oh it seems like it's working now."
Me: "It's a kinda maaaaagic"

Mail me

Customer: "I copy my emails on to excel so it's easier to print them off." [Don't ask]
Me: "OK"
Customer: "When I get to over a hundred emails the date changes."
Me: "Have you set the date in excel? I'm a bit confused, do you just copy and paste?"
Customer: "Yes"
Me: "Then I don't understand how the date changes?"
Customer: "When I scroll down, after 100 emails the date changes."
Me: "OK, with POP email, once you collect it from us it's deleted off our servers so we would not change the date so that tells me it's either Excel or, what do you use for your mail client?"
Customer: "Eudora"
Me: "So it's either Eudora or Excel? Lets forget Excel for the minute, when you scroll down in Eudora is that when the date changes?"
Customer: "Yes"
Me: So it's a Eudora problem. You need to look on the Eudora site to find out why, maybe on their forum?"

How is this ou…

You lazy Cu......

Customer: "Hi Joe was going to drop me a disc off with Service pack 3 for XP."
Me: "OooooK?"
Customer: "My laptop wont download it for some reason?"
Me: "So why don't you download it on another machine?"
Customer: "As I say my laptop wont download it."
Me: "No, go on another machine, a computer. Go on the Internet, go to Microsoft's website and download it then burn it yourself."
Customer: "Oh, um?"
Me: "Well that's all Joe would have done."
Customer: "Oh, um, OK then."




You sold us a CCTV system, can you tell me where the phone app is?



Who are you?What's your company name?When did we sell you it?What system did we sell you?Have you read the manual?

Crystal balls.

If you ever do something along these lines please take yourself down the garden shed and hit yourself repeatedly in the face with a spade!

Customer: "Hi you sold me a PC and I want to know if it's good enough to run Maximizer or if I need a new PC?"
Me: "What was the specification of the machine we sold you?"
Customer: "I have no idea, you sold it to me."
Me: "When did we sell it to you?"
Customer: "Last July."
Me: "Can you tell me the requirements?"
Customer: "No, shall I go back to the supplier and ask them?"
Me: "Might be an idea, I'll dig out you details, it'll save a lot of time."

Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation!

You gotta watch em!

So my heating packed up at home the other day, most people said "It's the Diverter." so I popped along to a plumbing outlet to see what price they charged as I wasn't paying the £119 Honeywell want for theirs. Now fair play to the guy in the shop, he wanted £30 something for theirs but said that I really should get someone out to look at the system as it could be anything.

Just outside the airing cupboard on the landing.

Heating man: "Yeah, it's your diverter, it needs replacing."
Me: "How much will that cost?"
Heating man: "Well they're £100 for starters."
Me: "Na, I can get a diverter for £30 from the plumbing place!"
Heating man: "Well OK you get the part, it'll be £80 to fit it."
Me: "OK"

A plumbers outlet on a cold grey misty morning.

Me: "Hi I came in the other day about a Diverter, I was given a price of thirty odd quid."
Assistant: "I dunno who told you that b…