Showing posts from February, 2014


Colleague: "I understand you're moving, can we quote you for moving and setting up your equipment?"
Prospect: "It's not even built yet!"
Colleague: "Oh..........."


Switch it off.

Customer: "Our servers broken!"
Engineer: "When you say broken what do you mean?"
Customer: "We switched the plug on and pushed the button like we normally do and it has a black screen with text on it."
Engineer: "You switched the plug on?"
Customer: "Yeah, of a night time when we've finished we switch the plug off."
Engineer: "After you've shutdown?"
Customer: "No, it asks us questions when we do that so we just switch the plug off."


Black Friday

I had a really bad day last Friday.

Prospect: "I'd like to order one of those Optiplex 745's at £140.00 please."
Me: "OK."
Prospect: "It will be for putting info in a spreadsheet. Just basic stuff."
Me: "You do know there's no Office package?"
Prospect: "What do you mean?"
Me: "There's no Office, you know, Word Excel etc."
Prospect: "But it says Windows 7 here!"
Me: "That's the operating system."
Prospect: "Well how much is Office then?"
Me: "I can do it for £165.00"
Prospect: "Does the Dell come with a keyboard and mouse?
Me: "Not normally but I'll throw them in."
Prospect: "What monitors have you got?"
Me: "What size do you want?"
Prospect: "I've no idea, I'll measure this one it's diagonal in't it?"
Me: "Yes."
Prospect: "20" inch"
Me: "I don't have any refurbed 20" I can do 19&qu…

When can I have them?

Here's a good one.
Ask me to look at the prices of my quotation. "Can you do anything on the price?"
Ask me for slightly higher spec's. Aye? You just asked me to cut the base price?
Ask me for a delivery date as well. How the feck would I know when I have no idea what you're ordering?

Email expert.

Customer: "My emails won't go I keep getting an email saying there's a problem."
Colleague: "Can you send me the bounce-back?"

A few minute later.

Colleague: "You've sent me the emails you're trying to send."


If its four it must be less?

Customer: "I can't send this email?"
Me: "That's because you have a 50mb attachment! You can't send attachments that size you'll need to split that zip file into four separate ones."

A little later.

Customer: "I still cannot send this email!"
Me: "What the...... You've attached the four zip files to the same email! That's still 50mb."


White space.

Customer: "The download URL generated by our website is not working."
Me: "TBH it has never worked."
Customer: "Yes it has!"
Me: "OK, see the plus signs in this+is+my+file.pdf that is not a legal character in a URL it should be %20"
Customer: "OK?"
Me: "I've turned on directory listing on on your website. Can you see all the documents now?"
Customer: "Oh yeah."
Me: "So you would have got myfile.pdf but not my file.pdf you would have got anotherfile.pdf but not yet another file.pdf"
Customer: "Oh, that explains why sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't."


Not new?

So I was offering some generation 1 iPads for sale.

Prospect: "Ello mate, you've got some iPad's for sale, what does iPad 1 mean?"
Me: "It means they are first generation, the first iPad's they made."
Prospect: "Oh, so they're old then?
Me: "Well as I say they are the first ones released."
Prospect: "They're not the latest ones then?"
Me: "Not for £150 they're not!"

If only I had more hair to pull out.

Anything cheaper?

I'm sorry but you've really fecked me off! You time waster.

*Day 1*  "Thanks for the email on the refurbed base unit for £200 leave it with me."

*Day 2* "These refubed ipads for £150 do you have them? Oh, you order them in. Let me think about it."

*Day 3* "How much for a Samsung 10.1?"

Why do I say time waster? £200 is clearly too much for him, £150 was probably too much for him and now he's taking the piss by asking about something that is clearly double the price of second hand equipment.

They don't come out?

Customer: "Is it possible to swap the battery on this HP 8440p?"
Me: "For what?"
Customer: "No, can you take the battery out? I was in Currys looking at laptops the other day but they was no good as you couldn't remove the batteries."
Me: "You don't think that was deliberate to stop people pinching them do you?"
Customer: "Oh!"

Sheesh give me strength!

Give me your supplier.

Customer: "I see you have some Windows 7 pro laptops for sale, can you do them any cheaper?"
Me: "I'm afraid not, we put very little markup on them and as they are refurbished they are very reasonably priced anyway."
Customer: "Seeing as it's pro I take it they come with Word and Excel?"
Me: "I'm sorry, why would Pro mean that? No that is just the operating system, Office will be extra"
Customer: "What? They're not much use without Word."
Me: "As I said, you can have Word/Office for an additional cost."
Customer: "Can you tell me where you buy them from please?"
Me: "I'm afraid not."
Customer: "Why not?"
Me: "Two reasons, one they only sell to Trade and two, why would I tell you that so that you go to them direct?"
Customer: "You're very rude?"
Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way, I think we will leave it there. Goodbye."

And they say sales people try to…