Showing posts from 2017

By whom?

An IT manager for a fairly big organisation.

Customer: "Pete, that Adobe Acrobat Pro is a bit expensive. Can you have a look on your Microsoft Partner account and see if they do a cheaper one?"

Me: "Umm? The clue is in the name, Adobe? It's not a Microsoft product."

Can I borrow.......

Customer: "Hi have you got a four or five port KVM switch lying around we could borrow for a few weeks and a Switch? We have some testing we need to do on old machines."

Me: "Hmm? I'm not sure. I might have some PS2 ones but I suspect you'll want USB?"

Customer: "If we have to buy something you can get some cheap Belkin's"

Me: "I think you might have to buy them tbh."

What a surprise. :-D

We bought it elswhere.

Customer: "Hi we've just bought a new printer, just a quick question. Do I set it up via the WIFI or the disc that came with it?"

Me: "I take it you didn't buy it from us?"

Customer: "Well, no."

Me: "In that case we can set it up for you but obviously we'd charge you. The thing is, if you'd have bought it from us we'd be happy to set it up for you. I suggest you use the install disc that came with it."
Customer: "Oh, OK I'll have a go with the disc then."

Art of complaint

Walking towards the kitchen I overheard a member of staff moaning. While waiting for the kettle to boil I started slapping my my face with my mouth slightly open emitting a sound from the slapping.

Brad: "What the hell are you doing?"

Me: "Joining in with you!"

Brad: "What?"

Me: "Playing me face."

Badumtish I'm here all week folks.

And the lunchtime game is.........

Slap your backside while the Engineer is on a support call.

Engineer: "I'm sorry can I just put you hold. Pete, what the hell are you doing?"

Me:"Playing Passenger by Iggy Pop on my arse."

Engineer: "I hate you!"


Had a call from one of our customers.

IT Manager: "Can you put me through to Dave now please."

Me: "I'm afraid he is out on-site at the minute."

IT Manager: "Presumably at a lesser customer than us?"

Me: "All of our customers are important."

I'm blocked!

"We have been sending emails to but they are saying that they are being blocked by their system, could you look into this please and see if there is a problem."

Erm? yes there is a problem.
What can I do about their system?

That's you that is.

Have you ever noticed how some people have a recurring personal trait?

I know one individual who literally works themselves up into a frenzy about things that haven't happened yet. As an example, there was a vacancy coming up and they really wanted the job. Nobody had even submitted an application and yet the individual was practically bursting a blood vessel over who would be applying, who might be in with a chance and what the potential vetting procedure might be. All this before the vacancy was officially posted!

There is also another individual I know who spends days if not weeks complaining about a task they have to complete and yet doesn't even make an attempt to start. I think they hope that someone will say "Tell you what, I'll do that for you." the individual just aggravates everyone by constantly moaning about it and then, which is the most ridiculous bit, they finally ask someone to do it for them when the time has run out!

It's who you know.

Texted my plasterer last night to see if either he was willing to climb up on the roof of Castle Cannon or if he knew anyone who was interested in risking their life walking the battlements to replace the tiles. He texted back "Will pop round in the morning."

Saturday 08.40

Me: "Hi Paul, thanks for coming round. You're not climbing up there are you?"

Paul: "Na mate, I just came round to have a look and wet myself laughing."

Even the plasterer disrespects me. :-(

He's going to get his 'roofer' cousin on the case.

Ye Olde Play

A sleepy Morrisons in a leafy shire of merry old England.
Me: "Hi, can I have two of those sausages with chips please?"

Assistant: "Is that the three sausage deal?"

Me: "Oh god no, I couldn't do three sausages!"

Assistant: "Well there's the small deal which is one sausage?"

Me: "Here's a cunning plan, I'll have the single sausage deal and buy another sausage separately."

Assistant: "I suppose you could do that."

Me: "Yes, I suppose I could."

Whose Fault?

And the winner of the most ridiculous support request goes to:

"Our site is under attack from IP SAMSUNG-ANDROID is this anything to do with the server issue you had last week?" #facepalm

30 Day Trial

Signed up for a trial of a product promoted by Google. We already have one of the family of services on offer so an integrated addition might be beneficial. Within twenty minutes of the account being created a sales rep was on the phone!

Rep: "How many people will be using the product?"
Rep: "Will you just be using it internally or in conjunction with your customers?"
Rep: "When will you be purchasing the product?"

Now I pride myself on being a pretty diligent salesperson but at least let me take the wrapper off and have few licks before pouncing.

Clearly I don't understand.

Me: "But surely it makes sense if we are being invoiced monthly then we should invoice monthly?"

Dave: "No, it's too much hassle to invoice every month. We'll invoice once a year!"

Me: "But if they cancel then we'll have to credit the remainder? Plus you'll need to keep on top of who's had what and when at the year end when you say you'll invoice? Effectively your invoices will be all over the place as you invoice different customers at different times? At least on a monthly basis all relevant customers are billed at the same time regardless of join date?

Dave: "You don't understand, it's too much hassle."

Three months later

Dave: "We're going to start invoicing on a monthly basis."