Showing posts from July, 2013

Can you read?

Dear email users.
Read the bounce backs, the answer is ALWAYS THERE!

Customer: "I can't send to"
Me: "OK, forgetting for the minute that that's not my problem and you should be speaking to Yahoo, send me the bounce back and I'll have a look."

A few minutes later.

Bounce Back: "This user doesn't have a account"

That'll be the reason why then? Sheesh.

More bollocks from BBC Breakfast.

So the scaremongering continues on UK TV, in the desperate attempt to take away yet another of our civil liberties the government is on a mission to treat us like naughty school kids and stop us using the big bad Internet because? Well because it teaches us stuff and that's a bad thing for governments, they prefer thicko's.

BBC Breakfast trundled out a Manchester Police bod and this guy who is, quote: "An Internet security expert who has also been the victim of fraud." Not very bloody expert then is he?

Interviewer: "So I believe you yourself was a victim of fraud totalling some eight thousand pounds!"
Expert: "Yes, I had an old credit card that should have had a zero balance, when I looked at the statement there was several hundred transactions!"

He then went through the usual stuff about contacting his bank and that he thought some shop had stolen his details but here's the rub, I was asking myself these questions.

Are you so filthy stinking ri…

BarCamp Blackpool 2013

Comparing fictitious wounds

Me: "See that, see that? Fooking Gentoo install mate!"
Tim Gibbon: "Right then, see this? Slackware it still stings now!"
Me: "OK, what about this then? Fooking Nagios!"
Jonathan Archer: "Pffft that's nothing, Ruby on Rails sunshine Ruby on Rails."

That's nice.

############# has unsubscribed Reason given:
It's nothing to do with you - it's just me. I'm not an IT person - I don't even know what half of your products are. If I needed something IT I would contact my friend and purchase products through him. Hope that explains.What a nice unsubscribe.

It's the way you treat em.

So a customer of mine came to see me a few minutes ago to collect some laptops he's purchased. I always make him a nice filter coffee with my own fair hands.

Me: "Would I rip you off?"
Customer: "Umm?"
Me: "Right that's it I'm gonna spit in your coffee for that."

A few minutes later.

Me: "You don't take sugar do you?"
Customer: "No, just some spit will do fine thanks."

Now that's the kind of customer we all want? :-D

Why do we pay you?

Trying to explain to someone that;
A. Website and email hosting is nothing whatsoever to do with Broadband.
B. No you do not host your website and your email on your server!

It's too hot for these types of calls.

Time is not money?

Customer: "Can I speak to xyz?"
Me: "Which one?"
Customer: "Ooh, the one that I was on the phone for an hour and a half with?"
Me: "AN HOUR AND A HALF? I hope that was a chargeable?"
Customer: "I paid for the phone call yes."
Me: "And what about xyz's time?"


Me: "Just a minute, I'll put you through."




Webmaster: "Pete, just thought I'd let you know xyz's ADSL is down."
Me: "Brilliant, thanks a bunch! Tell you what can you swap his mail to the Fibre a.s.a.p."
Webmaster: "But what if his fibre is down? Remember we don't monitor that."
Me: "Makes no odds, he's not getting email now so for him there's no change as such."

A short while later.


Pete: "Hi xyz, before you say anything your ADSL is down and I've had your mail switched to the fibre."
Pete: "As we cant monitor the fibre I have no idea if the email is being delivered."
Customer: "Mail is coming through."
Pete: "That shocked you didn't it?"
Customer: "Well, erm, yes, well."
Pete: "I can tell it did."
Customer: "Can you let me know why the ADSL went down?"
Pete: "If I get a definitive reason."

I shall be in smug mode for the rest of the day.

Is this a wind up?

Customer: "Erm? Them PC's I bought have you got a jackplug adapter for the keyboard and mouse?"
Me: "What?"
Customer: "It looks like I need an adapter for my keyboard and mouse, the only round one is this jack socket."
Me: "Are they PS2, green and purple?"
Customer: "Yes"
Me: "You need USB."
Customer: "I have some of them, will they work then?"
Me: [Close to tears] "Yes, plug them in and it will auto detect."
Customer: "Oh, OK."

These people have children you know, there's more of them in the world!