Showing posts from 2012

Is that everything?

Customer: "I'm trying to archive off my emails, when I click file and archive it says it's doing it but when I go to the archive folder they're not all there?"
Me: "When you say not all there what do you mean?"
Customer: "There's still loads in the folder I want archiving."
Me: "What date have you set?"
Customer: "What do you mean date?"
Me: "You have to tell it a date to archive from, so lets say you want to archive all mails prior to 2011."
Customer: "Ah, ooh, err, Oh, it's erm? It's done it now."
Me: "Please take yourself off and smack yourself up the back of the head."

I actually said that by the way, well it is Christmas after all. xxx

What time is it?

Supplier: "Can I speak to Samantha please?"
Me: "She works 11am till 3pm"
Supplier: "I know."
Me: "Sorry? But it's It's 3:15pm now! She's finished for the day."
Supplier: "I was hoping she was working over."

I want my mummy. :'(

Discount! Discount!

Customer: "I'm after a laptop for my daughter for Christmas."
Me: "Anything in particular?"
Customer: "I saw an Acer in PC World for £250 odd, but I thought you could give me a discount."

And that's why the economy is down the crappa folks, we're already thinking of how we can shaft the people we are buying from before they've even had a a chance to tell you what the price is!


Me: "I'm calling with regards your ESET Anti-Virus. I sent an email, it's due to expire in 13 days now."
Customer: "Yes it's come up amber, can you send us a quote?"
Me: "I have, that's what the email was about. Somebody read it as I was notified?"
Customer: "What email address did you send it to?"
Me: "Yours."
Customer: "Ah yes, as soon as I can get into my machine I'll sort it out."

If you read it why do you need a quote?

Nice try!

Yellow Smartie: "Pete did we do a flier last night?" (Which is code for why didn't we do....)
Me: "Because it was Tuesday"
Yellow Smartie: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Today is Wednesday, our flier is due out today."
Yellow Smartie: "Why did I think it was Tuesday today?"
Me: "Maybe because I was off Monday?"

You won't catch me out that way. :-)

My misses is hysterical!

So the wife was having problems with a co-worker last night and was talking in general about it to her manager.

Wife: "Does he have a problem with women?"
Manager: "Dunno, he has been married 40 years?"
Wife: "Ah that explains it."


I prefer hello

This is why I'm crushed.

Customer: "Pete is it possible to block all emails that start with Hi in the body of the mail for one user?"
Me: "What? Are you serious? You cant really want that?"
Customer: "That's the instruction I've been given."
Me: "But all you'll do is in a month or so's time is come on the phone screaming a particular mail has not arrived."
Customer: "Is it something you need to do or do I need to do it on my exchange box?"
Me: "You need to do it on yours, sorry, bye."

Click brrrrrrrr

Scroll down!

This is why I'm crushed.

We send out email newsletters with 'offers' on, this is an opt-in list before you start!
Obviously it's done on a template, at the bottom in the footer there's the usual garb about who we are, unsubscribing and how you pay. Within the how you pay section it tells you the methods and "All our prices exclude VAT unless otherwise stated."

Prospect: "Hi, can you tell me, does that £158.00 include VAT?"


Calm down, calm down


Customer: "John sent me a new PC as mine was playing up, but I cant use the green and purple cables they don't fit!"
Me: "Do you mean the keyboard and mouse cables?"
Customer: "Yes"
Me: "On the back of the PC is there a green and purple socket?"
Customer: "I don't know! I cant work!"
Me: "You will have to help me so I can help you, if you cant tell me I cant help can I?"
Customer: "No there is no purple socket!"
Me: "Ok so it's a USB only machine, you'll need a USB keyboard and mouse."

Click brrrrrrrrr

And thank you too.

It's always root.


MS Fanboy1: "What's the username for Virtual Machine Server?"
MS Fanboy2: "It's Root, it's always Root with Linux."

No normal user then?

Dusty Bin


I had already put the bins out at home this morning but found I had yet one more bag of rubbish, I nipped out the front to place it in our bin in the hope the refuse collectors had not arrived yet however our bins was just about to be uploaded.

Me: "Ooh I was hoping to get this in before you collected."
Bin Man: "I'll take it this time but it's a one off right?"


What's in it for me?


Customer: "I've done a silly thing and given a guy and email address as my full name but my address has my initial and surname. Can you set up another account so I can get this email?"
Me: "You won't get it, it will either be rejected or will go to the catch all account."
Customer: "Ah, he won't send it for at least an hour, he's in America and I don't really want the expense of calling him again."

Let me get this straight, you want another address adding as an alias to your current email address and you want this doing for free and all within the hour as well?

Email Offer


Prospect: "Hi you sent us an email with some HP 7700's on it, I sent an email asking if this was an order but you sent a confusing reply?"
Me: "The units are for sale, I asked you how many you wanted?"
Prospect: "Well they looked the same sort of prices we charge."
Me: "Do you sell computers then?"
Prospect: "No."

I'm as confused as you are dear reader.

Put it away!

Shit you see.

So I've just got back from our local discount shop, the sort of place that does 20 light bulbs for £1.20 or 400 tubes of superglue for 79p These places always attract the 'characters' of society.

As I walked to the entrance I notice an elderly couple in their 70's getting out of their car, as the husband (I presume?) got out and turned round his trousers promptly fell down!

I am desperately trying not to ask myself the question; "Why was he in the car with his belt, trousers and flies undone?"

I've heard it all before.


Minion: "I cant follow up some of these calls, they're asking me when the email was sent and I don't know all I can say is some time last week."
Me: "Erm, I don't see how that stops you talking to them? It's dead easy you know, just resend them it while they're on the phone. Confirm they have it and arrange to ring next week."
Minion: "Mutter, mutter, hurrumph"

I've heard it all before.

Oh that's clever


Colleague: "Quick everyone, come and look at this new virus!"
[Porn video playing on laptop]
Me: "And what if our receptionist walked in?

Is there no end?

Why you no listen?

" _Why you no listen?_ "

*Me:* "Hi can I have the Italian BMT please?"
*Subway_Girl:* "What would you like on it?"
*Me:* "Erm? Err? JalapeƱo peppers?"
*Subway_Girl:* "Don't you want any meat?"
*Me:* "Sorry, what do you mean?"
*Subway_Girl:* "What meat do you want on your sandwich?"
*Me:* "I want the Italian BMT, look that one up there on the menu board."
*Subway_Girl:* "Do you want cheese?"
*Me:* "Yes I would like cheese."
*Subway_Girl:* "Salad?"
*Me:* [crushed and crying] "Yes I would like salad."
*Subway_Girl:* "Sauce?"
*Me:* [Hanging from the hand rail] "No, no thank you just my sandwich."
*Subway_Girl:* "Would you like a drink?"
*Me:* [Calling through the floor boards] "No, no thank you I must get back to work"
*Subway_Girl:* "It's 9p cheaper if you have a drink"
*Me:* [Waving a white flag] "I'll have…