Are you serious?

Customer: "Hi Pete, can you arrange for the mail to be put back on the original IP?" Me: "Sure, hey I know, lets check it's working first?" Customer: "Good idea." Me: "Nope .66 .69 or .71 is not accepting telnet connections." Customer: "That's strange? I'm sure it was .71 tbh." Me: "Oh" Customer: "What?" Me: "Helps if you put the port number on doesn't it?" Customer: "Just a bit."

irc://irc.freenode.net/tdtrs (15:32:09) tig|: how do you get four elephants in a mini? two in the front, two in the back (15:32:29) tig|: how do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge? footprints in the butter (15:32:47) tig|: how do you know if there is two elephants in your fridge? two sets of footprints in the butter (15:33:11) tig|: how do you know if there are three elephants in your fridge? the door won't close (15:33:27) tig|: how do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge? there is a mini in the driveway

For all my fellow sales people out there. Me: "Hi can I speak to Julie please?" Woman: "Who's calling?" Me: "It's Peter from xyz." Woman: "Is she expecting your call?" Really tempted to say "No" I mean what is she going to do, put the phone down on me? Put me on the "Doesn't know who he is" waiting list? Given you're going to say to, in this case, to Julie "I've got some bloke called Pete from xyz on the phone." your question of "Is she expecting your call?" is pretty pointless really.

So this fooking woman rang five minutes before my lunch asking about the maintenance contract we'd sent yet kept banging on about backups which was not in the contract. Out of professionalism I worked through my lunch in an effort to resolve her issue. She demanded to know " What the hell are we paying you for? " so I calmly explained all the in's and out's whereby she reverted back to the 'backups'. I pointed out that they didn't have a server at her location but this cut no ice, I started to talk about the cloud service we provide and that that was potentially going to be implemented at A-another location that they VPN into whereby she demanded to know what the cost was. Sadly as I'm not involved in that deal I was unable to tell her. She flew into verbal rage saying "I need to go, I'm putting the phone down. How can you talk to me when you know nothing!" And people call sales people bastards! Also:  DON'T FOOKING PHONE

Customer: "Our website is down." Me: "No, its not down, its broken." Customer: "Oh, that might have been me?" Me: "You need to disable xyz plugin." Customer: "But I cant get into the website." Me: "You have FTP access you can do it that way. If not we can do it but we will charge you xyz for doing it." Customer: "Oh, OK. Can you tell me what I have to do once I've FTP'd in?" FOOK OFF!

Way to go Currys Wolverhampton! My daughter called in there yesterday to inquire about the iPad Air for her mum. Monique: "Excuse me, when will you be having the new iPad in?" Assistant  "There is no new iPad!" Monique:  "Yes there is, it was just on the radio that they have been released?" Assistant  "Look, we are the biggest sellers of computer stuff, we get everything first and I'm telling you you're wrong!" Monique:  "Excuse me, can I speak with a manager please?" Assistant  "I don't see what good that will do you he'll say the same as me." Apparently the manager was close by and in fact heard some of the conversation. Manager: "Can I help you miss?" Monique:  "Yes, your assistant says there is no new iPad air?" Manager: "Yes there is miss." Assistant : "Since when?" Manager: "Have you not read the information in the staff room? That's why

Customer: "Hi Pete, my ESET says it's found four threats!" Me: "Well it's doing what it is supposed to do then and protecting you." Customer: "But I cant remove them." Me: "Aye? Let's remote in and have a look." Customer: "OK" Me: "THE SCANS NOT FINISHED YOU................................"

Customer: We're having real trouble with the database. Can you reboot the SQL Server? Me: "OK I'll get it rebooted now." Customer: "Are you going to phone them to make sure everyone is logged off?" Me: "But you just asked me to reboot it, are people still on it then?" Customer: "No idea? Shall I ring them?" Me: "It's a novel idea, lets throw caution to the wind and say yes shall we?" Customer: "Shall I get them to phone when everyone is off?" Me: Er no, I don't want 40 people ringing me." Customer: "I'll designate one person although I don't think this will fix it." #facepalm

My barely adequate physic defences are already weakened even more so by this stupid cold........ Colleague : "When are they doing it?" Colleague :  "Have they ordered the part?" Colleague :  "Did they say how long it would take?" Colleague :  "Are they going to take it there and then order the part?" Me: "LOOK! We're not mind readers! Why don't you go and ask them rather than us?" When I'm ill I take no prisoners.

So I had to phone a customer to tell him he was very close to his download limit with his broadband on one of his circuits. I hate phoning without all the facts so armed with some pricing options on either a per Gig over limit option or a price for raising his threshold. Me: "Hey, it's not a major issue but you've reach the ceiling on your download allowance for this month on circuit xyz. Would you like to ..........." Customer: "But Pete, I have two circuits which are supposed to be load balanced?" Me: "Oh FF&%$£@#!! Sake!"

Prospect: "Hi you was recommended by XYZ one of your customers." Me: "Oh yes, I know them well." Prospect:  "We are a new startup and need a Server, Pc's ............" Me: "Not a problem, I'll quote you." Prospect:  "Will you give us 30 days credit?" Me: "I'm afraid not, you are after-all a new business." Prospect:  "But you know XYZ?" Me: "Yes but we don't know you and as you say you're a startup?" Prospect:  "Well that's one of the reasons I asked." Me: "To be honest I suspect 50% up front might even be pushing it?" Prospect:  "50%? But I want 30 days." Think of all those poor sales people who have to put up with this on an hourly basis.

I cant say who it was as I will be skinned alive. Me: "Here, have these tissues and blow your nose for Pete's sake!" Anonymous: "I already have done, there's nothing up there." Me: "Rubbish! I can hear it squelching when you sniff." Anonymous: "Right, watch!" Bloooow bloooow Anonymous: "See, nothing!" Me: "Don't you know how to blow your nose? Just hold it under your nostrils and blow hard a few times to ease the gunk out. Pinching your nose like that blocks your nostrils!" Blooooooooooooow Me: "There you go, nice empty tubes. Sheesh" I resisted titling this "Blow job"

I had to speak with T-Mobile tech support today about my daughters useless HTC Windows 8X mobile. Having sent it away for repair it was returned in even a worse state in that while originally it would not get a signal now it wouldn't even see the SIM Technician: "How much worse would you say it is?" Me: "How much worse can unusable get?"

Had an hysterical phone call with a fellow web developer earlier. Me: "Seriously, I don't mind if you do it." Dev:  " No, no, you do it Pete. I don't really want it." Me: "I'd far rather you took it on." Dev: "I don't really do that now, I just helped them out" Me: "But you've done most of it?" Dev:  "But they want you to carry on!" Me: "Why are you passing me the hand grenade?" Dev:  "Coz I don't want it going off in my face." Me: "But you're ugly anyway?" Dev:  "For that I'm telling them you're taking it over!" Me: "Noooooooooooooooooo"

Customer: "We have tracked down a toughbook, whizzo-IT has them. Can you quote me please?" Me: "Aye? What? Who? When? Huh?" I want my mum.

Engineer: "The scanner is working of sorts. That red light means the bulb is either dirty or failing." Customer: "What's a bulb?" I kid you not!

Customer: "Pete, you've got our website back but it's horrible!" Me: "I know, there is something wrong with a widget, if we activate it it kills the site however you need it to display your site correctly." Customer: "I don't understand, it was working now it's not?" Me: "Have you never had a vehicle break down?"

Customer: "Can you come and fit another screen please?" Me: "When you say 'another' is that an additional screen or a replacement?" Customer:  "It's an additional one, I just bought a 22" Monitor to match this one." Me: "Can your graphics card support dual display?" Customer:  "Ooh I don't know I just thought you could plug another one in?" #facepalm

Me: "Can you confirm this account is paid?" HSBC: "There is a final payment of £18.13 Mr Cannon" Me: "That's interesting because I have a closing balance on this statement of £17.78?" HSBC: " " Me: "Are you about to tell me the final payment will be next month?" HSBC: "Yes Mr Cannon, the final payment will be taken on the 1st September." Me: "Typical bank, squeeze one last payment, The account was started in August 2009. Please make a note I shall be cancelling the direct debit the middle of September and will make no further payments." HSBC: "Yes Mr Cannon, your account will be paid however we do not send out any 'account paid' letters." Me: No, I know you don't, so the poor customer never has anything in writing to say the account is closed do they? HSBC: "Thank you Mr Cannon and have a very pleasant day." Kiss my .....

Customer: "So this router you supplied recently...." Me: "Hold the phone there a second. We supplied that router in February 2012!" Customer: "Well that's not long?" Me: "Clearly you and I have a very different definition of a year old?"

Engineer: "Can you tell me what's on the screen?" Customer: "What's that?" Engineer: "You know, the monitor attached to your PC." Customer: "Oh that." Just let me cry, I don't mind crying, honest.

Boss: "Where's this cone come from Pete?" Me: "Why are you asking me, I've just come back off holiday!" Boss: "Really, I hadn't noticed." Bastid!

Prospect: "Can you tell me a little bit more about these 8100's?" Me: "Such as?" Prospect:  "Well, are they in good condition? Are they as good as new?" Me: "Well they're refurbs? They're not new and that's reflected in the price. If they was new they would be far more expensive." Prospect:  "What I mean is, do they have any scratches or marks?" Me: "Well they have been used, but they usually sit under a desk anyway. They may have the odd scuff mark." Prospect:  "Is that price including everything?" Me: what do you mean by everything?" Prospect:  "VAT, Delivery." Me: "Umm? It does say on the email all prices exclude vat and delivery?" Prospect:  "I can collect." Me: "Unfortunately the delivery price is from the supplier so it makes no odds if you collect or not." Prospect:  "Well they're for a charity............" Here we

Dear email users. Read the bounce backs, the answer is ALWAYS THERE! Customer: "I can't send to xyz@yahoo.co.uk" Me: "OK, forgetting for the minute that that's not my problem and you should be speaking to Yahoo, send me the bounce back and I'll have a look." A few minutes later. Bounce Back: "This user doesn't have a yahoo.co.uk account" That'll be the reason why then? Sheesh.

So the scaremongering continues on UK TV, in the desperate attempt to take away yet another of our civil liberties the government is on a mission to treat us like naughty school kids and stop us using the big bad Internet because? Well because it teaches us stuff and that's a bad thing for governments, they prefer thicko's. BBC Breakfast trundled out a Manchester Police bod and this guy who is, quote: "An Internet security expert who has also been the victim of fraud." Not very bloody expert then is he? Interviewer: "So I believe you yourself was a victim of fraud totalling some eight thousand pounds!" Expert: "Yes, I had an old credit card that should have had a zero balance, when I looked at the statement there was several hundred transactions!" He then went through the usual stuff about contacting his bank and that he thought some shop had stolen his details but here's the rub, I was asking myself these questions. Are you so filt

Comparing fictitious wounds Me: "See that, see that? Fooking Gentoo install mate!" Tim Gibbon: "Right then, see this? Slackware it still stings now!" Me: "OK, what about this then? Fooking Nagios!" Jonathan Archer: "Pffft that's nothing, Ruby on Rails sunshine Ruby on Rails."

############# has unsubscribed Reason given: It's nothing to do with you - it's just me. I'm not an IT person - I don't even know what half of your products are. If I needed something IT I would contact my friend and purchase products through him. Hope that explains. What a nice unsubscribe.

So a customer of mine came to see me a few minutes ago to collect some laptops he's purchased. I always make him a nice filter coffee with my own fair hands. Me: "Would I rip you off?" Customer: "Umm?" Me: "Right that's it I'm gonna spit in your coffee for that." A few minutes later. Me: "You don't take sugar do you?" Customer: "No, just some spit will do fine thanks." Now that's the kind of customer we all want? :-D

Trying to explain to someone that; A. Website and email hosting is nothing whatsoever to do with Broadband. B. No you do not host your website and your email on your server! It's too hot for these types of calls.

Customer: "Can I speak to xyz?" Me: "Which one?" Customer:  "Ooh, the one that I was on the phone for an hour and a half with?" Me: "AN HOUR AND A HALF? I hope that was a chargeable?" Customer:  "I paid for the phone call yes." Me: "And what about xyz's time?" silence....... Me: "Just a minute, I'll put you through." Sheesh

8:47am Webmaster: "Pete, just thought I'd let you know xyz's ADSL is down." Me: "Brilliant, thanks a bunch! Tell you what can you swap his mail to the Fibre a.s.a.p." Webmaster:  "But what if his fibre is down? Remember we don't monitor that." Me: "Makes no odds, he's not getting email now so for him there's no change as such." A short while later. 9:05am Pete: "Hi xyz, before you say anything your ADSL is down and I've had your mail switched to the fibre." Customer : Pete: "As we cant monitor the fibre I have no idea if the email is being delivered." Customer: "Mail is coming through." Pete: "That shocked you didn't it?" Customer:  "Well, erm, yes, well." Pete: "I can tell it did." Customer:  "Can you let me know why the ADSL went down?" Pete: "If I get a definitive reason." I shall be in smug mode for the res

Customer: "Erm? Them PC's I bought have you got a jackplug adapter for the keyboard and mouse?" Me: "What?" Customer:  "It looks like I need an adapter for my keyboard and mouse, the only round one is this jack socket." Me: "Are they PS2, green and purple?" Customer:  "Yes" Me: "You need USB." Customer:  "I have some of them, will they work then?" Me: [Close to tears] "Yes, plug them in and it will auto detect." Customer:  "Oh, OK." These people have children you know, there's more of them in the world!

I'm pretty sure I've covered this type of thing before? People love excuses to get out of doing things, it's amazing the effort they'll put into fighting to uphold the reason no matter how painfully obvious it is that the excuse is pathetic. If only they'd put as much effort into actually doing the task set. Telesales: "I cant get onto the Internet." Me: "That's OK move on. Telesales: "But I need to check an email address." Me: "It's not important, move on to the next call." Telesales: "But what if I need to check that address as well?" Me: "Then leave that one as well and move on." Telesales: "But there maybe more?" Me: "Right, you have xxxx amount of calls you need to make, they're not being made while we are faffing about with Internet access and email issues. All you need to do is make a note of the company on your pad and go back to the record later or even tomorr

Customer: "OK Pete, hang on while a I raise a PO for you. Oh look you're still on the list?" Me: "Is that the A list?" Customer: "No it's the warning list, when I put your name in alarm bells went off and the lights started flashing!" Bastid!

Colleague: "The reason you are not getting his emails is because your IP has been blocked." Customer: "Can you send me an email explaining why?" I kid you not!

Customer: "WHY DID YOU NOT RING US AT 8:00am?" Me: "Because we do not start till 9:00am" Customer: "WHY DID YOU NOT PHONE US AT 9:00am?" Me: "Because the email with the answer only came in 5 minutes ago and it's now 9:25am?" I just love that before I've even had a coffee.

For those of you who follow this blog you'll know we had a web services outage yesterday. Customer: "Hi Pete, can you tell me if the mails are working again?" Me: "Have you had any mail?" Customer: "Yes." Me: "Well they're working then." Customer: "Have we had them all?" Me: "I dunno, let me look in your shoebox that we keep on the shelve marked 'Incoming mail'" Can you tell me if they're working. Tears are rolling down my face.

Me: "Yes we are experiencing some outages on email delivery at the moment, we are aware of it and working on it. Just bare with us and we'll get them back up as soon as possible." Customer: "Can you email me when they're back up?" I think the flood of mail will be a good indication?

Customer: "Hi Pete, listen I'm ever so sorry, I made a mistake, I need to order an extra monitor to go with the three I asked you about earlier. Sorry to be a pain." Me: "Tsk, oh OK then, I'll add it to your order, tut." Don't you just hate selling? ;-)

Me: "Yep, we do template driven websites." Customer: "What does that mean?" Me:  "Well it's a set of preconfigured templates that you add content to. The only restriction is lets say you want a bumble bee floating in from the left, that's not going to happen." Customer:  "That sounds perfect." Four days later. Customer:  "Hi Pete, I'd like to go ahead with that site. You know you was saying about it being template driven, what if I wanted a speech bubble?" #facepalm Colleague: "Ah well, see Pete, you told him about the bumble bee but you made no mention of speech bubbles did you?"

We charge to connect your iphone, Blackberry, Android Phones to you mail accounts. Customer: "Hi, I'm having a bit of trouble connecting this Iphone to the new starters email account." Me: "OK but we charge for connecting phones you know?" Customer:  "WHAT! For putting a few settings in?" Me: "Umm? Clearly it's not as simple as putting a few settings in or you wouldn't be calling?" Customer:  "Well xyz normally helps me out." Me: "Really? How many times? I clearly need to raise some invoices." Why do people immediately assume they're going to get things for free in the IT world?

Colleague: "Look, how long do you think it will take to sort out those PC's? We could be at it all day!" Me: "But once it's sorted they won't have anything to moan about?" Colleague:  "Yeah until one of em goes wrong." Me: "But that should be easy and one failure is better than fifty odd in my book."

Customer: "Can you quote me for two HP DC7700 and the other bits we discussed?" Me: "Sure no problem, the 7700's are £145.00 each by the way." Customer:  "Ooh that price is really good, I might take nine instead. How much for nine, is there a discount?" Hang on a sec, because it's such a good price you want seven extra but you want them even cheaper still? tell you what, just buy the two at the fair price I'm selling them at.

So a customer came to see me to discuss yet more changes they wanted to make. Customer: "See here on the final check out it's saying Tax 7%?" Me: "So who changed the values?" Customer:  "I, I don't think we have?" Me: "OK lets go Taxes--->Tax rates, change to UK 20%" Customer:  "Ooh was it that easy?" Me: "Yep, but I'm still billing you for it." Customer:  "But? But?" Me: "Hey, I knew how to do it and you didn't that's why you pay me." Ker Ching

Me: "Why cant I ssh in?" Me: "Helps if you use 10.165 and not 10.65 you cretin!" Me:  "Why is it not detecting index.php?" Me:  "It helps if you put the site in /var/www/ and don't put it in /root/ you amoebae!"

Customer: "Hi, we have a printer that's off-line and I cant seem to get it back on. Also I have another printer I need adding to a PC." Me: "OK but unfortunately you do not have a support contract with us so I'm afraid it's chargeable at £35 per hour." Customer: "Yes I know we don't have a contract that's why we don't ring you very often." Me: "Erm? OK?" Customer:  "Is there anyone there that can point us in the right direction?" Me: "Yes, at £35 per hour." Hello Mr Garage owner, you know you fitted a new wiper blade three years ago well I need some help  with .........

Customer: "Hi Pete, can I order two of your XP refurbished boxes please?" Me: "Tell you what, if you order three I'll make you a nice filter coffee when you come to collect." Customer:  "But I don't need three?" Me: "It's very nice filter coffee." Customer:  "Well I suppose I can put one in the warehouse, go on I'll take three then." I do like a man who can be bribed with filter coffee.

Gaffer: "Hmm, I had to spend ages on Friday sorting out an email issue for a customer, great Bank holiday I had!" Me: "Ah well, that's what comes of part owning the business." Gaffer: "Hrmph, mutter, mutter, grumble."

Colleague: "They need more memory, it's only got two sticks of 512MB." Me: "What kind of memory? PC2? DDR? SDRAM?" Colleague:  "Oh, Ooh? Umm?" Colleague:  "Also they have a laptop and the 80GB HDD is full." Me: "Easy, we'll snapshot it, transfer the image to an 120GB drive, jobs-a-goodun." Colleague:  "Good idea." Me: "What type of drive is it? Is it SATA or IDE?" Colleague:  "Oh, Ooh? Umm?"

Day 1 Me: "So as you can see the menu across the top already has six entries, I'm not sure there is room for a seventh one? Customer: "It would be good if it was possible. Me: "I'll try and see if it looks OK." Day 2 Me: "OK the menu bar now has seven entries. We had to remove the language choice feature but it's done and amazingly does not look squashed. Customer:  "Brilliant." Day 3 Customer:  "Can you add three more entries please? " Mummy, why is daddy smacking his face off the desk? "

Customer: "I'm upgrading CAD and apparently I need 16 Grand of memory." Colleague: "Bwahahahahaha" 16GB

Customer: "I've been sent an email from Russia but ESET Anti Virus has quarantined it." Engineer: "And?" Customer:  "Well I want to read it." Engineer: "But it clearly has a virus?" Customer:  "Can you read it?" Engineer: "No, it has a virus." Customer:  "Should I get them to send it again then?" Engineer: "You can but I suspect that too will be infected." Customer:  "Is there a way to stop ESET quarantining it?" Engineer: "Yes, get the sender to clean the viruses off their machine." Mankind has reached it's evolutionary peak.

Customer: "Is xyz there?" Me: "I'm afraid he's at lunch." Customer:  "Well he was logged into my machine and I cant close the box." Me:  "Oh, well as I said he's at lunch. If you're desperate, reboot the PC that will sever the link." Customer:  "Cant you close it?" Me:  "I do not have access to his machine, I don't know the password." Customer:  "I need to sort some stuff out on my machine." Me:  "Well this is why I suggested rebooting. If you can hang on xyz will be back in say an hour." Customer:  "Nobody will be here, I need to go out." Me:  "Well reboot then?" Customer:  "But I don't want to do that." Me:  "Then wait for xyz" Customer:  "But I need this stuff now." Me:  "I have no other solutions for you." /me smacks head off desk!

Customer: "We had a power cut last night and it seems like the server re-booted, there's a message on the screen to press F1 to continue, should I press it?" Me: "Lets be daring and press it." Customer:  "Oh it seems like it's working now." Me: "It's a kinda maaaaagic"

Customer: "I copy my emails on to excel so it's easier to print them off." [Don't ask] Me: "OK" Customer:  "When I get to over a hundred emails the date changes." Me: "Have you set the date in excel? I'm a bit confused, do you just copy and paste?" Customer:  "Yes" Me: "Then I don't understand how the date changes?" Customer:  "When I scroll down, after 100 emails the date changes." Me: "OK, with POP email, once you collect it from us it's deleted off our servers so we would not change the date so that tells me it's either Excel or, what do you use for your mail client?" Customer:  "Eudora" Me: "So it's either Eudora or Excel? Lets forget Excel for the minute, when you scroll down in Eudora is that when the date changes?" Customer:  "Yes" Me: So it's a Eudora problem. You need to look on the Eudora site to find out why, maybe on t

Customer: "Hi Joe was going to drop me a disc off with Service pack 3 for XP." Me: "OooooK?" Customer:  "My laptop wont download it for some reason?" Me: "So why don't you download it on another machine?" Customer:  "As I say my laptop wont download it." Me: "No, go on another machine, a computer. Go on the Internet, go to Microsoft's website and download it then burn it yourself." Customer:  "Oh, um?" Me: "Well that's all Joe would have done." Customer:  "Oh, um, OK then."

From: jsomething@hotmail.com Hi You sold us a CCTV system, can you tell me where the phone app is? Jane Erm?  Who are you? What's your company name? When did we sell you it? What system did we sell you? Have you read the manual?

If you ever do something along these lines please take yourself down the garden shed and hit yourself repeatedly in the face with a spade! Customer: "Hi you sold me a PC and I want to know if it's good enough to run Maximizer or if I need a new PC?" Me: "What was the specification of the machine we sold you?" Customer:  "I have no idea, you sold it to me." Me: "When did we sell it to you?" Customer:  "Last July." Me: "Can you tell me the requirements?" Customer:  "No, shall I go back to the supplier and ask them?" Me: "Might be an idea, I'll dig out you details, it'll save a lot of time." Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation, Preparation!

So my heating packed up at home the other day, most people said "It's the Diverter." so I popped along to a plumbing outlet to see what price they charged as I wasn't paying the £119 Honeywell want for theirs. Now fair play to the guy in the shop, he wanted £30 something for theirs but said that I really should get someone out to look at the system as it could be anything. ACT1 SCENE1 Just outside the airing cupboard on the landing. Heating man: "Yeah, it's your diverter, it needs replacing." Me: "How much will that cost?" Heating man:  "Well they're £100 for starters." Me: "Na, I can get a diverter for £30 from the plumbing place!" Heating man:  "Well OK you get the part, it'll be £80 to fit it." Me: "OK" ACT1 SCENE2 A plumbers outlet on a cold grey misty morning. Me: "Hi I came in the other day about a Diverter, I was given a price of thirty odd quid." Assistant: