Are you serious?

Customer: "Hi, our Director has not had any emails since Friday." Me : "OK, is everyone else receiving emails?" Customer: "Yes" Me : "And is this in the office or away from the office, on a mobile or laptop?"   Customer: "My director says in the office." Me : "And who is it?" Customer: "One of the Directors!" Me : "I need a name otherwise how do I know what to look for?" Customer: "Oh, OK........" #facepalm

We have a set routine in our house. I generally get up around 5:30am then My daughter Monique gets up at 5:45am and then my other daughter Hannah gets up at 6:00am This morning I heard Hannah in the bathroom and so shot out of bed to make the drinks figuring I'd slept in. I bring the girls a coffee at 5:45am but obviously, because I thought we were running late, I made them straight away. As I brought them up the stairs I said to Hannah "Your sister is working today isn't she?" Hannah retorted "Yeah, she must have set her alarm for six." After drinking my coffee I went for a wash and a shave and put my jogging kit on ready for my morning two laps of the park. Monique flew out her bedroom and said "Have the clocks gone forward? My iPhone and Ipad say 5:30am" Hannah and I both told her not to be so silly AND CARRIED ON getting ready, it really should have registered what Monique said. I left the house with my usual "Have a good day at wor...

When I moved to the Midlands many moons ago one of my first jobs was at a Tube Polishing company. Basically I stood at a machine and fed tubes down it all day every day till they were sparkly bright. The 'Gaffers' hated the machines being idle but sadly they had to be turned off so they could be cleaned of swarf every day, the thing could get clogged up or even possibly catch fire if not. The Gaffers would pace up and down looking at their watches yelling "Come on, come on!" Today we are fitting a graphics card to a PC at one of our customers, the conversation went as follows:   Customer: "So how long will it take? Me : "Umm? 15 - 20 minutes? Basically we have to shut it down, take the side panel off, remove the blanking plate, fit the card, put the side panel back on, start the PC, probably install the drivers. TBH it might not even take that long but I'm allowing for any problems." Customer: "Hmm? OK, we can live with 20 minutes I suppo...

Developer : "Hi Pete, can you get the CNAME changed to point to the new hosting location for the website?" Me : "Sure but can I ask a question, how come you've not asked us to host the site?" Developer : "Oh, if I'd know you did hosting I would have come to you." So let me get this straight, you create websites for people, you should then at least understand how domain names tie into websites and email so it goes without saying if we host the domain then it's pretty obvious we do website hosting isn't it Einstein?

So I've been flogging my guts out every day walking and swimming. After a lunchtime walk I had a conversation with our receptionist who has been with us about eight months now. Samantha: "All this walking, maybe you should start walking to work?" Me: "Funny you should say that, It's about seven miles to my house by car but there's a public footpath that's about four mile. I was thinking of maybe getting a bike." Samantha: "Is that along the canal?" Me: "Well the disused one, yes. But it looks muddy in places?" Samantha: "I used to run to Walsall along that." Me: "Run to Walsall? From Cheslyn Hay?" Samantha: "Yes" Me: "How long did that take?" Samantha: "Three hours." Me: "Get lost run to Walsall." Samantha: "Pete, I used to do long distance running. I used to run for the county" Me: "Get lost and don't speak to m...

The showers of my local Leisure Centre Woman: "Well that's my 60 lengths done in 30 minutes." Me: "Actually I'm really happy with my 50 lengths in 50 minutes." At that point the 187 year old woman shuffled out the shower.

Idiot: "Hello, this is < unintelligible> from HP. Can you tell me the person responsible for purchasing toner cartridges in your organisation?" Me: "We don't purchase them." OK, that's not strictly true. We do purchase them, now and again, from suppliers but not from distribution. Idiot: "OK, can you tell me who's in charge of purchasing them then please?" Me: "Aye? How can there be anyone in charge of purchasing them if, as I've already said, we don't purchase them?" Click, Brrrrrrrrrrrr Me: "Hello?"