Are you serious?

Customer: "Hi Pete, my ESET says it's found four threats!" Me: "Well it's doing what it is supposed to do then and protecting you." Customer: "But I cant remove them." Me: "Aye? Let's remote in and have a look." Customer: "OK" Me: "THE SCANS NOT FINISHED YOU................................"

Customer: We're having real trouble with the database. Can you reboot the SQL Server? Me: "OK I'll get it rebooted now." Customer: "Are you going to phone them to make sure everyone is logged off?" Me: "But you just asked me to reboot it, are people still on it then?" Customer: "No idea? Shall I ring them?" Me: "It's a novel idea, lets throw caution to the wind and say yes shall we?" Customer: "Shall I get them to phone when everyone is off?" Me: Er no, I don't want 40 people ringing me." Customer: "I'll designate one person although I don't think this will fix it." #facepalm

My barely adequate physic defences are already weakened even more so by this stupid cold........ Colleague : "When are they doing it?" Colleague :  "Have they ordered the part?" Colleague :  "Did they say how long it would take?" Colleague :  "Are they going to take it there and then order the part?" Me: "LOOK! We're not mind readers! Why don't you go and ask them rather than us?" When I'm ill I take no prisoners.

So I had to phone a customer to tell him he was very close to his download limit with his broadband on one of his circuits. I hate phoning without all the facts so armed with some pricing options on either a per Gig over limit option or a price for raising his threshold. Me: "Hey, it's not a major issue but you've reach the ceiling on your download allowance for this month on circuit xyz. Would you like to ..........." Customer: "But Pete, I have two circuits which are supposed to be load balanced?" Me: "Oh FF&%$£@#!! Sake!"

Prospect: "Hi you was recommended by XYZ one of your customers." Me: "Oh yes, I know them well." Prospect:  "We are a new startup and need a Server, Pc's ............" Me: "Not a problem, I'll quote you." Prospect:  "Will you give us 30 days credit?" Me: "I'm afraid not, you are after-all a new business." Prospect:  "But you know XYZ?" Me: "Yes but we don't know you and as you say you're a startup?" Prospect:  "Well that's one of the reasons I asked." Me: "To be honest I suspect 50% up front might even be pushing it?" Prospect:  "50%? But I want 30 days." Think of all those poor sales people who have to put up with this on an hourly basis.

I cant say who it was as I will be skinned alive. Me: "Here, have these tissues and blow your nose for Pete's sake!" Anonymous: "I already have done, there's nothing up there." Me: "Rubbish! I can hear it squelching when you sniff." Anonymous: "Right, watch!" Bloooow bloooow Anonymous: "See, nothing!" Me: "Don't you know how to blow your nose? Just hold it under your nostrils and blow hard a few times to ease the gunk out. Pinching your nose like that blocks your nostrils!" Blooooooooooooow Me: "There you go, nice empty tubes. Sheesh" I resisted titling this "Blow job"

I had to speak with T-Mobile tech support today about my daughters useless HTC Windows 8X mobile. Having sent it away for repair it was returned in even a worse state in that while originally it would not get a signal now it wouldn't even see the SIM Technician: "How much worse would you say it is?" Me: "How much worse can unusable get?"